Limbo

I am so torn down by all the different things. I don't want anyone close to me right now, however it's only because I'm afraid of getting attached or worse, dependent of them. Sucks to admit that I'm not just better on my own, I'm my own poison but how am I supposed to let anyone else close to that especially if I even slightly care about them. I can say that I mostly don't care about anyone though. My boyfriend asked me to try not to throw up my food today, I threw up three times which is worse than the average. I like to fail a little. I don't need goals I need to feel good inside and right now, or actually for a long time now my environment has had me feeling all tangled up and sick to my stomach. Oh I feel so sick. Sorry for not being a good person either, not that that helps or reaches anyone who needs to hear me apologize for it. I need to apologize for a lot of things and that's not what I want to live for so god help me if I'm not able to change my bullshit self.

S

Tired

I hate that depression is really grabbing a hold of me now, I have such good things to look forward to althoug I guess those good things are relative and still unknown too. Dysthymia, I have so many problems. Were some people created to be ticking time bombs? I am so tired, it's dark all the time. I feel like there's a string inside me going from my diaphragm to my head, weighing it down and squeezing my lungs at the same time.

S

The cracked up pretty thing

Anxiety. Recognizably different personalities mixed up like muddy water. Could everyone just leave me alone and stop mixing up my water, it's clouded enough already. I feel like a caged fucking animal. You'd think it would even be warmer than freezing in hell.

makin mommy proud

2 guys in one night, a new low?

S

Tripped me

So I fell right back into that vicious circle. This is like the fourth time that I know I'm going down fast. I feel all the symptoms coming back one by one; always cold, shaky hands, the corner of my mouth cracking open, constant headache, dark under eyes..
I'm just compromising with the devil to survive because I don't think I'm ready to give up even though I'm not really strong enough to fight either. 

S

Bombardment

You won't let your phone out of sight.
Firstly because you're expecting to hear from them.
Secondly because you're hoping to hear from them.
Then you get worried.
And more worried.
Nothing.

You're accepting it but you're not yet sure what you're accepting. Just not hearing from them, it's bad enough.

Coming Down

The shell that I wore, it wasn’t for fun.
It wasn’t to make you stick around.
It was for survival, it was what I’ve learnt,
It was for the sun.

You said you think I’d might be the one.
I'll pick blossoms and make you a crown.
You can’t catch what’s coming down.
Our love has grown; our love has flown.

I can catch the falling stars.
They make the darkness brighter
Even though they burn holes in my hands.
I can dive into the water, so deep, I can’t breathe;
'Cause, there, I feel things you won't understand.





Don't know if you guys are still there but I'm still here.

S

yes, bigger

When I was in Paris it was perfect except for one thing. He said I look a bit bigger than the first time we met. I actually really liked my body back then, now I'm ok with it and just trying to maintain some sort of a balance. He did say that he prefers me like this but what he doesn't understand is that he could give me all the compliments in the world and yet when I close my eyes I see the word BIGGER. And it hurts. Is that what you see when you look at me?
I'm maybe 1-3kg heavier now than I was back then but does it show that much. I wasn't even stressing about it before the trip I thought I was fine. Sometimes he doesn't mean exactly what he says because of the language barrier but there was no misinterpretation here.
I would never say that unless my partner was getting so disgustingly fat that they didn't turn me on anymore which just makes me think.. He doesn't understand the reaction this evokes in me. I'm satring to notice the signs of losing control because the discrepancy of reality and what I see is growing bigger. The more weight I lose the fatter I feel. I can't fight this anymore, I don't want to do this again. 
This is not like we're talking facts. I don't think any woman woud appreciate being told they look bigger but for me it's almost larger than life. It's not rational in any way. Just don't hurt me.

I don't think I'll ever understand why he felt the need to point it out.

Hope you guys are doing well I'm sorry for the neglection but I think you can understand me coming here when I'm not ok and not wanting to be reminded of that when I'm somewhat ok.

yours,
S

wtf

Google+ deleted all of my personal pics from blogger.

Why do I always get what I want?

If I tried to outline the different degrees of sadness that correlate with different types of people the extremes would probably be these; someone who on a bad day falls over into a puddle on their way home to warmth and safety versus someone who lives in a restricted area dominated by their private pool full of darkness. As we all know when the air gets cold the water feels warmer and can become quite enticing. No one will pull you out but they may throw stones at you to make you sink faster. 

S

Two spaced

I'm hovering between these two spaces where I want to talk to him versus the one where I'm fine not talking to him. I have to try to control it even if that ruins things. I can't be the one who needs the other person more than they need me. All of this stresses me out to the level where my mind starts pushing him further and further away and he told me he could feel it. However, there's nothing I can really do about it, we'll have to see how this pans out. If that connection between us was to break now I would break a little more. 

 

S

Hi my name is

I was talking to him last night but my head was going through one of those memory emptying phases and at some point I even told him I felt like I was talking to a stranger. He said he wouldn't mind starting over from the beginning. Then he introduced himself and chose the perfect words to make me smile. It felt like I hadn't smiled for ages. I don't know why but the second the corners of my mouth turned upwards I could feel my head relax. I can't help slightly panicking whenever I feel my memories slipping away from me and it happens faster and faster the harder I try holding on to them. I know I haven't completely lost any of it but I can't access it because it disappears into the spiral of a whirlwind and I feel even less like myself.  

S

Passionately bitchy to passionately charming

Sadly I'm starting to doubt the Paris thing. Staying with him is not about saving money and I'm itching to book a hotel. Nothing bad has happened but I don't want to be more attached than him. My problem is that I barely get attached to anything at all because I don't care, but if I care about someone then I would do anything for them and it becomes a whole other problem because I fight my feelings until the bitter end. He sometimes kinda blows me off and doesn't reply to my messages as fast as I would like him to but it shouldn't be a problem because "when he has the time" he talks so much I can barely get a word in and he's so sweet. Unfortunately it doesn't take away the negative feelings I've had. This whole thing we have going on is so illogical since we've only met once but the connection we had was insane. It just makes me feel like an idiot when he doesn't reply right away because I'm used to surrounding myself with people who give me what I want when I want it. The ones who don't are disposable except for him because now I fucking care.

    S

Ipswich

Ok so right now I'm sitting at home while my friends are out having fun. I couldn't go because that guy from wednesday night is with them and I still feel a bit shaky and definitely uncomfortable about the whole thing. It's just awesome he gets to have fun and it's like I'm being punished. At least he leaves sometime this weekend. Where's my place in this world? These aren't my people after all.

S

I also got a tattoo yesterday

I went out with my guy friends last night and one of the exchange students whom I know had a crush on me because he left a note and a rose at my door (which I thought was kinda sweet but creepy) I'm not one for romance. Anyway when we got to the bar he was really drunk already and it makes me feel really uncomfortable when men who are seriously drunk come on to me. I tried my best to avoid him but he wasn't having any of it and when I tried to sneak away to go home he followed me and he was grabbing on to me and wouldn't let go of me. I felt a panic attack coming when I couldn't escape him and only after a while other people showed up and got him off of me. The same thing has happened to me before so it was extremely oppressive. It's not surprising to me how women get raped in those kinds of circumstances because for a while there was absolutely no one around. I don't think it was going towards that though. When I got home he was st my door ringing the doorbell and it was so loud and I had to get some sleep I went to tell him to cut it out and he forced his way in. I couldn't push him out with all my strength so I had to get out myself and I really struggled to get back inside past him because the corridor is really narrow. I was out there yelling at him to go away and leave me alone and no one even opened their door to see what was going on. I was alone in that situation again. I was finally able to lock him out and after a while the doorbell rang again but I wasn't going to go open the door again. I got a text that it was his roommate who just wanted to check on me. I feel like I don't want to be single even though I'm not looking for a relationship, I haven't felt anything for anyone in a long time and I'm not interested in any of that I just want to have that barrier to keep everyone away. 

S

Passé composé

Right now I feel fairly comfortable with things happening outside of my apartment: friends, school.. But when I'm in here alone I realize how completely stuck I am, scared to death to make any kind of a move. In a way I'm tired of being single. Don't get me wrong I'm still a horrible person and not in any way ready to always consider someone else's feelings and I don't think I could be comfortable spending a lot of time with the same person, or it would at least have to be my goddamn soul mate or some shit like that. I just want to have that barrier "Sorry, I have a boyfriend." It's sickening but I kinda feel like I can't say no to guys because basically I'm available. In the last two weeks four guys have kissed me, none of whom I really like. I just didn't know how to say no. I feel like I'm so far below any decent person that it doesn't even matter if I'm used. It doesn't feel like anything anyway. I've only gotten feelings for one guy in a LONG time and he lives in France, you know the guy I told you about earlier. At least I get to see him again and we can determine if what we falt instantly back then is valid or not. I hope it is because if I lose him too I don't know what'll happen to me. I haven't even wanted to think about that. but I mean I'd probably survive it, I'm like a cockroach, god knows I'd probably survive an atomic bomb just to continue living my miserable, pathetic life. 

 

 

Yours,

S

But what's going to heal my soul?

Staring at the screen thinking about what to say makes me cry. It's not like I feel like I have to write something to keep regularly venting my pathetic problems to some really lovely people who I don't know, but I want to write something because there has to be a way to get some of these thoughts out of my head. It's so fucked up that I forget the reasons why I'm upset so I can't assess whether it's getting better or not but I can't shake the bad feeling. 

Could I breathe please one last time before I curl up and die, my world is losing light.

S

Where do I go from here?

Hmmm. It sounds obnoxious but I definitely became the person who's used to getting what they want. Too bad I'm terrible at making important decisions and way too destroyed to believe there's love out there for me. I feel awful, even physically. 
I used to have someone to talk to every day.

 

 

 

 A very small part of me is telling me I need a hug.

S

And it does hurt

 S

Can I use this as my research report?

Yeah I know that was a cheesy story. I don't want to forget it though, I got so much energy to go on from that experience. This blog is kinda like my diary anyway so bear with me haha. 
I feel lonely now, it's finally completely sank in that the person that was in my life for over a year making so much effort to get me to let him in, has now walked out of my life. I know it sounds ridiculous but in the back of my mind I had started to think we might actually end up together some day. Should've known that there simply isn't anyone who would put up with this hell in a human body, it seemed too good to be true anyway so I did have my guard up, I always do. 
Loneliness is the most loyal lover, isn't it? 

 

S

Critical path is the longest

So, Paris. 
The guy I'll be staying with I've only met once in real life. It was a dark and stormy night... hah no. I was in Lapland on a ski trip with people from uni and the last night after passing out on the sofa in our cabin (we had to drink a lot to keep warm okay) I woke up at like 10pm, took a quick shower and said to the only other girl still at the cabin that we're going to a bar now, haha. At the bar/club we were all having such a good time and I see this guy and I'm thinking damn, he's gorgeous. I noticed him because he was looking at me but I thought he couldn't actually be interested in me, I'm not that lucky. But then we started talking for a little and my memory is quite hazy in terms of what happened at the bar but then he said he was going to go to the restroom really quick and I thought it was just an excuse to get rid of me, haha. I went to dance with my friend and some random guy. He actually came back and he's told me later on that he was so disappointed when he saw me dancing with that other guy. I danced with him for quite a while and then at some point he said he was going to go talk to his friends because they were leaving. Again I thought he got tired of me so I went by my self-protection mechanism, moving on to something or someone else in a heartbeat so I wouldn't feel bad if he just disappeared on me. Well in a minute he came back and I was dancing on a podium so he held out his hand demanding me to come down and soon after we left the place to go to his cabin. I still don't understand how it's possible to connect with someone like that in such a short amount of time, and the fact that it was mutual.. We were electric. It was like one of those things you wouldn't ever expect to happen to you. We spent the night together and he's the best I've ever had. It was the first time I didn't want to leave right after. Our bus was leaving early the next morning though so I couldn't stay and sleep with him but we laid there for a long time, his head was on my chest and I stroked his hair. I love his hair, which he thinks is funny. I couldn't help staring at him and really we stared at each other a lot, he said he felt like an alien. He walked me all the way back to my cabin and we said goodbye eventually, I really thought that was it and I was prepared for it to be just another one night stand. Before he walked away he said "I didn't get to see the northern lights but it doesn't matter, this was just as great." We were texting for a while after that and then we kind of agreed to stop because it was frustrating missing each other. Obviously we started texting again later haha. I really like to sing and play the guitar and sometimes I record songs too, he's basically the only person I share those with. And now I'll get to see him again in the summer. He still calls me his northern light.

 

 

 

 Took this picture right before we left, the place is a real winter wonderland.

S

Why?

Maybe I'm not really ok. Waiting for the night to take me away, I want to sleep past tomorrow.

S

Love is made of scissors

So the hair situation is now fixed, thank god because it was hideous. Now it's more like a dark, ashy blond. 
Also, guys, 260 views yesterday! Wow :)
Right now I feel like I'm bouncing back pretty quickly from that stupid mess but maybe my emotional capacity is easy to restore because it's so limited already, ha. Approximately 3% of a normal person's I'd say. That's fine, I can't stand drama and god the end of our texting relationship was just that. So fucking draining. I guess with my emotional capacity I'm basically a zombie, but the feeling of getting over the bs already makes me feel a bit less like one. I guess the sun helps too *
At least I have some good stuff to look forward to! Planning my trip to Paris in August, I'll tell you guys more about that later because there's an awesome story behind the whole thing hah 

 

 

S

Because I have no excuse

Of course, we had to drag it along for a couple more days with that guy I mentioned earlier. We mostly just argued more. I truly did feel like we had something worth fighting for and I'm not going to go through anything that would prove that because right now I just feel stupid. I have nothing to say for myself I don't know how the whole thing happened, he was just the perfect person for me, saying all the right things. I'm sure most of you know what I mean. He wanted to come see me last fall and I was hesistant because it was just way too soon for me, I still didn't even care that much about him. Now that everything was falling apart he was saying he's a moron, he should've come and he fucked everything up by not doing anything. I don't know but I know this wasn't his fault, more like 70/30 my fault. I know I'm hard to handle, I'm a fucking mess and totally evil at times. I'm so good at verbally hitting where it hurts the most and I so easily get the feeling of being pushed into a corner.. The worst thing right now was that he didn't say anything to me yesterday even though I know he must've been awake before I went to sleep. I was just waiting for him to say something but when he didn't.. My last words to him before going to bed were "Silence screams the loudest I guess and I think this time it broke me. You broke me." 
I hope he doesn't reply, I don't want any explanations or apologies. I know he feels bad but right now it's unfixable. We're done. Why would I ever do that to myself and trust someone with my emotions when I definitely knew better.

 

Reminds me, I just finished driving school which takes forever here in Finland. I mean I've had my license for 1,5 years already but I've still had to complete all sorts of additional stages and shit. I'm getting my final license now though so yay

And also, these pictures that I'm using almost always come from weheartit , you can find me on there too :)

S

Calorie calculator results, helpful?

Maintenance:	1826 Calories/day
Weight Loss:	1461 Calories/day
Extreme Weight Loss:	1096 Calories/day

Should I try to aim between 1000 and 1500 on different days to avoid anxiety and throwing up? Or would I still start gaining weight..

Hope you guys are having an awesome weekend, I'm having the worst goddamn headache and the smart peson I am, I'm sitting at a computer screen.

S

Fuck Flowcharting

Everything's just kinda foggy right now, except for the noises coming from upstairs. I have to say I really like my apartment, I just hate my neighbors. It's weird, I think I've somehow gone off the rails a bit since I went to a party last night and was just talking with this group of people and looked at the guy on my left thinking oh, I fucked him too. I can't even seem remember all the people I've slept with lately, I don't care. Does that make me a whore? And why do they always try to keep talking and whatever, I wouldn't even think of spending the entire night with them. Also, I think I slept with someone's boyfriend last week. Ups. 
I stopped talking to this guy I met online a little over a year ago. I actually really cared about him but it was just too hard and we never even met in person. Somehow I did really emotionally connect with him, he was like the best person I've ever known but he lives so far away and there's no way we could be together right now. I feel totally rational about this now and it's weirdly liberating not talking to him anymore, it was so frustrating at times and he made me feel like I had the potential to be a better person, but I was everything he'd always wanted the way I am already. He took all the bs I threw at him, like ED and BPD stuff, yes, I told him about everything basically. I guess that's why I'm venting on here now, I don't have anyone else to talk to. I also don't care about being good anymore, in fact I'm horrible. I'm mean, manipulative, cold, I'm like a sociopath. Guess I sort of anchored what was left of my humanity to him.

Another thing, my hair is goddamn orange...... Any tips haha? + Aren't I elusive? :*

S

#tb

Right around this time last year, I graduated high school. However, what happened just a little bit before it could've ruined everything. Me and my childhood friend + our mothers went on a girls' trip to Estonia like we'd done a few times before and it was nice, me and my friend went out but didn't really even get drunk or anything we just celebrated her turning 18. The next morning we were in the boat terminal waiting to go back home and everything was fine until all of a sudden my eyes started rolling back in my head and I couldn't see. I saw flickering lights and then I was blinded, I didn't know what was happening to me. It was completely out of the blue and I didn't know how to react nor did I have time to figure it out because it resulted in a total blackout in a matter of about a minute. What I've been told is that I fell head first into the stone floor of the terminal and started spasming like I was having an epileptic seizure. That lasted about 3 minutes and because my head was split open, blood was everywhere. I was taken into the hospital by an ambulance and that's the point of when I'm starting to remember little bits and pieces, like how I stuck a needle in my finger because I wanted to do it yseld rather than have the paramedic do it :P Anyway, at the hospital they took some sort of an MRI of my head and soon enough they were stitching it without local anaesthesia. That hurt like a bitch to be honest and it was gross feeling the needle pierce my scalp to my skull. The worst part was still when they shaved my hair from the area, god I'm such a girl right? Thankfully the wound was in the back of my head so I didn't have a visible bald spot or anything but still, you guys understand. 

Obviously after we got back home we went through that neurologist circus with all of the possible tests and the result was that the alpha waves in my brain had something sketchy about them but that's it. No neurological answer to why I had a seizure, but let's be fair, I know exactly why it happened. My body simply couldn't take the effects that my mental bullshit had on it anymore. I have to say I loved going to the neurologist though, he was the sweetest and at the same time the coolest old man I've ever met. 

I often feel like I really want to start writing more on here again, but there's so much that's happened onto which everything that's currently happening is building on so everything would take a whole lot of explaining, or I could be totally mysterious and shit and just write everything that's on my mind even if it makes no sense to anyone else. I hope all of you reading this are doing well, this community has always had a place open for me and I carry the pain as well as the acceptance and sense of belonging with me. How does anyone ever recover from this when all of it is just so perfect? 

 

 

 

 

Even if I'm not wanted back,

S

48-49

I feel fine right now.

Let me live on banana chips and coffee

 

  

 S

Whatever February 14th

I don't feel loved on the other days of the year either.



S

PrettyThin Again

^That's what I got from my search for good old PrettyThin. Somehow today I just ..... I don't know what it is but I have a greater longing for a safety net of people who have an idea of what I'm going through. This year it's been 8 years with ED, we're a match made in hell.

For some reason I thought that it might not be me who's carrying the darkness inside me, but that I could leave it behind or even a little bit of it. Hope, however, is the most dangerous trap, because what I really ended up doing was waiting for reality to catch up on me. Why bother trying to rise up from the bottom of the ocean when you only set yourself up to be crushed byt the waves and be dragged right back down. 

What that does is it eats up whatever strenght you had left.

I hate what I've become. I can't even help giving the people around me the biggest smile right when I feel like dying inside. I've always been so fucking conscientious and now I've dropped a course the first time in my life. So I did get into uni last year, it was fun at first until it hit me that I just don't fit in. Awesome people but I feel excluded and I know it's only because of how fucked up I am. I don't know how to say it without sounding conceited but I know guys like me. I just don't care, I feel uncomfortable and I have no faith in relationships so I just don't care. I ALWAYS pick the wrong people to have feelings for. Yesterday I found out that a guy I had a crush on at the beginning of school(basically the only guy who I've been attracted to in our school) and one of my friends are now dating or whatever. So yeah, I have no right to be mad or anything, we went out and kissed once. My friend kept asking me about him and how I was feeling and he told me he doesn't want a relationship, cool, neither did I. He basically stopped talking to me shortly after we went out and I stopped talking to him. Now this. Idk it just feels sly and all I can do is feel stupid and deficient. The whole thing is so stupid but I didn't want to talk to anyone about it and I still had to get it out. 

Why am I never good enough?

I met a guy during a school trip. It was strangely perfect, seriously perfect. And we never had a chance. A one night thing that we tried to stretch out but talking but he's french and he constantly moves between countries and everything. I would've fallen head over heels for him if we'd had any more time together and he said he felt exactly the same way. I had to let him go and I lost a little piece of myself again. I kept pushing him away because I couldn't just sit around and wait to be substituted. I feel better about it this way even though it's still killing me. I can't hold on to anything good in my life because whatever good I hold in my hands I watch become spoiled. The only way I can protect anything is by keeping it far enough away from me so it won't rot.

I fear my BPD is getting worse. I've started having these momments of blind, silent anger or even rage for no apparent reason. It is in a way helpful to have learned how my BPD works and when it's affecting my moods, but there's still nothing else I can do but feel it.

Uhh I'm sorry for rambling..

With love,

S