Thursday, May 21, 2015

Fuck Flowcharting

Everything's just kinda foggy right now, except for the noises coming from upstairs. I have to say I really like my apartment, I just hate my neighbors. It's weird, I think I've somehow gone off the rails a bit since I went to a party last night and was just talking with this group of people and looked at the guy on my left thinking oh, I fucked him too. I can't even seem remember all the people I've slept with lately, I don't care. Does that make me a whore? And why do they always try to keep talking and whatever, I wouldn't even think of spending the entire night with them. Also, I think I slept with someone's boyfriend last week. Ups. 
I stopped talking to this guy I met online a little over a year ago. I actually really cared about him but it was just too hard and we never even met in person. Somehow I did really emotionally connect with him, he was like the best person I've ever known but he lives so far away and there's no way we could be together right now. I feel totally rational about this now and it's weirdly liberating not talking to him anymore, it was so frustrating at times and he made me feel like I had the potential to be a better person, but I was everything he'd always wanted the way I am already. He took all the bs I threw at him, like ED and BPD stuff, yes, I told him about everything basically. I guess that's why I'm venting on here now, I don't have anyone else to talk to. I also don't care about being good anymore, in fact I'm horrible. I'm mean, manipulative, cold, I'm like a sociopath. Guess I sort of anchored what was left of my humanity to him.

Another thing, my hair is goddamn orange...... Any tips haha? + Aren't I elusive? :*

S
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2 comments:

  1. EveMay 23, 2015 at 11:01 AM

    You, my dear, are an absolute student. Can I say I'm jealous? :P also, good to have you check in. I get that an charming the identity thing. I grew up with a mom who had BPD and so I learned to take on some of her tendencies, the identity thing especially. When I date people I find myself starting out independent and sassy and end up becoming submissive, willing to change things about myself to make someone else happy. It sucks and when it's all done it's a loss. What I recommend, because I always give you unsolicited advice, is to do things that root who you are. Take walks, explore interests, be alone with yourself and let all that bad stuff see out and start again. Take time to be you and to do what YOU love. Miss you pretty. <3

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    1. SMay 23, 2015 at 2:48 PM

      I'm exactly like that! It takes a hell of a long time for me to even start caring about a person but if I do then I become a total sucker. Bless you for your advice and thank you for always checking in on me. That sounds exactly like what I need right now. Miss you too, you're amazing <3

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