yes, bigger

When I was in Paris it was perfect except for one thing. He said I look a bit bigger than the first time we met. I actually really liked my body back then, now I'm ok with it and just trying to maintain some sort of a balance. He did say that he prefers me like this but what he doesn't understand is that he could give me all the compliments in the world and yet when I close my eyes I see the word BIGGER. And it hurts. Is that what you see when you look at me?
I'm maybe 1-3kg heavier now than I was back then but does it show that much. I wasn't even stressing about it before the trip I thought I was fine. Sometimes he doesn't mean exactly what he says because of the language barrier but there was no misinterpretation here.
I would never say that unless my partner was getting so disgustingly fat that they didn't turn me on anymore which just makes me think.. He doesn't understand the reaction this evokes in me. I'm satring to notice the signs of losing control because the discrepancy of reality and what I see is growing bigger. The more weight I lose the fatter I feel. I can't fight this anymore, I don't want to do this again. 
This is not like we're talking facts. I don't think any woman woud appreciate being told they look bigger but for me it's almost larger than life. It's not rational in any way. Just don't hurt me.

I don't think I'll ever understand why he felt the need to point it out.

Hope you guys are doing well I'm sorry for the neglection but I think you can understand me coming here when I'm not ok and not wanting to be reminded of that when I'm somewhat ok.

yours,
S