Passé composé

Right now I feel fairly comfortable with things happening outside of my apartment: friends, school.. But when I'm in here alone I realize how completely stuck I am, scared to death to make any kind of a move. In a way I'm tired of being single. Don't get me wrong I'm still a horrible person and not in any way ready to always consider someone else's feelings and I don't think I could be comfortable spending a lot of time with the same person, or it would at least have to be my goddamn soul mate or some shit like that. I just want to have that barrier "Sorry, I have a boyfriend." It's sickening but I kinda feel like I can't say no to guys because basically I'm available. In the last two weeks four guys have kissed me, none of whom I really like. I just didn't know how to say no. I feel like I'm so far below any decent person that it doesn't even matter if I'm used. It doesn't feel like anything anyway. I've only gotten feelings for one guy in a LONG time and he lives in France, you know the guy I told you about earlier. At least I get to see him again and we can determine if what we falt instantly back then is valid or not. I hope it is because if I lose him too I don't know what'll happen to me. I haven't even wanted to think about that. but I mean I'd probably survive it, I'm like a cockroach, god knows I'd probably survive an atomic bomb just to continue living my miserable, pathetic life. 

 

 

Yours,

S