PrettyThin Again

^That's what I got from my search for good old PrettyThin. Somehow today I just ..... I don't know what it is but I have a greater longing for a safety net of people who have an idea of what I'm going through. This year it's been 8 years with ED, we're a match made in hell.

For some reason I thought that it might not be me who's carrying the darkness inside me, but that I could leave it behind or even a little bit of it. Hope, however, is the most dangerous trap, because what I really ended up doing was waiting for reality to catch up on me. Why bother trying to rise up from the bottom of the ocean when you only set yourself up to be crushed byt the waves and be dragged right back down. 

What that does is it eats up whatever strenght you had left.

I hate what I've become. I can't even help giving the people around me the biggest smile right when I feel like dying inside. I've always been so fucking conscientious and now I've dropped a course the first time in my life. So I did get into uni last year, it was fun at first until it hit me that I just don't fit in. Awesome people but I feel excluded and I know it's only because of how fucked up I am. I don't know how to say it without sounding conceited but I know guys like me. I just don't care, I feel uncomfortable and I have no faith in relationships so I just don't care. I ALWAYS pick the wrong people to have feelings for. Yesterday I found out that a guy I had a crush on at the beginning of school(basically the only guy who I've been attracted to in our school) and one of my friends are now dating or whatever. So yeah, I have no right to be mad or anything, we went out and kissed once. My friend kept asking me about him and how I was feeling and he told me he doesn't want a relationship, cool, neither did I. He basically stopped talking to me shortly after we went out and I stopped talking to him. Now this. Idk it just feels sly and all I can do is feel stupid and deficient. The whole thing is so stupid but I didn't want to talk to anyone about it and I still had to get it out. 

Why am I never good enough?

I met a guy during a school trip. It was strangely perfect, seriously perfect. And we never had a chance. A one night thing that we tried to stretch out but talking but he's french and he constantly moves between countries and everything. I would've fallen head over heels for him if we'd had any more time together and he said he felt exactly the same way. I had to let him go and I lost a little piece of myself again. I kept pushing him away because I couldn't just sit around and wait to be substituted. I feel better about it this way even though it's still killing me. I can't hold on to anything good in my life because whatever good I hold in my hands I watch become spoiled. The only way I can protect anything is by keeping it far enough away from me so it won't rot.

I fear my BPD is getting worse. I've started having these momments of blind, silent anger or even rage for no apparent reason. It is in a way helpful to have learned how my BPD works and when it's affecting my moods, but there's still nothing else I can do but feel it.

Uhh I'm sorry for rambling..

With love,

S