Can't buy me love

I suck. I suck at this, I suck at life.. Fact is, I'll never be good enough. I've binged and purged today and I'm so afraid I'm gonna eat enormously at dinner. Born to be fat obviously. I have so much hatred towards myself I've become numb. I'd rather feel real pain instead of this echo that keeps reminding me of how inhumane I am when it comes to being a living person. That sounds really weird but idk how else to put it. I just wanna scream.. I went for a run today in a pouring rain. I feel like I still haven't even burned down the calories from my breakfast and I don't want to eat anyhting anymore, but there's no choise when my parents are around :( and there's even an anorexic girl in this show we watch and I feel like they are watching me more carefully.. I hate life and mostly I hate me.

Mom brought me chinese food.

I started eating.

Mom went out.

And I went to the toilet.

 I wish you all happiness

 S