Always a failure..

 I didn't even know I could eat so much.. I feel like I could blow up. I'm hoping I would :/ I'm so demoralized cause no matter how hard I try and how well I do at times, I always screw everything up and I make things a thousand times worse than they already were! I don't even understand how that's possible when everything was already pure shit to start with. My whole life is about wanting to be skinny and beautiful, but I'm one pathetic loser. I don't think I'll ever reach my goals and I'm not sure I even have the strenght to try again and again. I'm so fucking tired.. Life just isn't worth the constant fight and I want out. I can't do this anymore.. But don't worry I wouldn't have the balls to kill myself so I'm not going anywhere. I will continue living as this shell of a human and maybe die in a tragedic accident one day.

Love you always

S

Shoooot me..

I'm sad, numb.. I'm not sure I count as a human anymore. I don't know what to do. Is this real? I just purged and we're gonna drive to central finland later today to visit my both grandmothers. 

Shit I'm now scared to call my friend because I'm afraid she doesn't want to talk to me I can feel my heart jumping in my chest.. I might see her before we leave. 

We just keep fighting with I'm gonna call him X, you know who I mean. I feel like he enjoys pissing me off.. Then he tries to make it up to me and when I'm about to firgive him, he does something again.. I'm so tired of this. Today was okay at school because I felt like some ppl actually like me there. I was surrounded by nice ppl :) Then he walked by and it wasn't so great anymore. I can't even look at him.. After purging I ate one nectarine and I'm not gonna eat anything more before dinner at my grandmothers'.  I'm slipping into a come right now

Have a good weekend all of you beautiful people<3

S

Can anyone see that I'm very unhappy?

Owww my stomach hurts so bad :( But just the fact that I got my period, means I failed. Once again. I had a horrible day in every way. I was so fucking tired, did extremely bad on my english test, looked like shit.. I hate myself so much. I just ate 2 nectarines and a small omelette. I have my dancing lesson at 6.30pm, but I'm having a little hard time there because of the cramps I get, especially on my legs :/ 

Me and mum have been arguing quite a lot, and now I should be studying for my other tests but most of the time it feels pointless cause no matter how hard I try, I still don't do well. I don't even wanna live so whats the fucking point of working so hard for my future? I feel everything slipping away.. Like I'm not really here. At least I wish I wasn't. Now I just eat because I want the pain to stop it's some kind of a reflex. I have to stop because it doesn't help. Maybe I need to take some painkillers before I go to my dancing lesson otherwise I won't be able to do anything :/ So this post is definitely dedicated to all the girls out there on their periods, I feel your pain<3

Didn't wanna take pictures of myself I'm so bloated..

S

Bluer than velvet were her eyes

I wasn't very happy today.. How strange, right? Well turns out that last weeks binging was due to my period, which I'm on right now. lovely.. But the bright side is that now it's so much easier not to eat :) Englishrose, TinyRose, Thank you so much for commenting every now and then I feel like someone cares and understands. That means so much to me (= I purged once today and didn't eat way too much at dinner so imma keep it in. No but wait, who's talking? Oh it's you Ana. Yes I'm going to the toilet..

 

S

Insomnia

I fucked everything up!! A few hours ago I was scared of falling into that hole. Well I'm in there now. I'm digging it deeper. I talked to the guy and guess what, didn't end well. I feel like shit, maybe cos that's how he makes me feel like every time. He must really hate me. I'm so messed up because I know this isn't going to end yet. We still have to make all the arrangements for our school "prom". Or call the whole fucking thing off. I've already done that once so it won't be me cancelling. And if he does that..- 

I just want to get out of this situation cause it's making me even crazier than I already am, can you imagine? I just wanna blow my head up and be done with everything. 

The fog I live in ain't getting any clearer.

The hole between my bed and the wall looks kinda scary.

I can't sleep...

S

53,1Kgs

Today has been a good day! I sincerely laughed and spoke with ppl and all. I even made the guy I'm starting to hate an outsider among his friends because after the way he's been treating me, they like me better than him :D In your face. My "best friend" doesn't give a shit about me anymore though.. I hate that :( probably got tired of my shit like everyone else. I'm scared of feeling this good because the it will feel even worse to fall in that hole of crap again. Better to be numb than happy for a passing moment and over emotional and sad as hell the rest of the time. I'm so scared of the moment I lapse into that once again. Damn I'm cold...

Love you all

S

Me against enemies me against friends

Binged a little today.. But tomorrow I'll see how bad it is and next week i'm gonna need some serious damage control. I don't know-     Now that I start to think about it this is the first time I feel anything today. And I'm about to cry. Everything I do, I do in this foggy bubble that I'm locked in. It's so confusing. And the damn bubble only breaks at the worst possible moment. Englishrose I think you're the only friend I have left to who I can talk about things and you understand me. Honestly I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you<3 Love you sis. Thank god I have this awesome girl at school I can talk to because ah has an ED too. I have someone to spend lunch time with :) I've been to our shool cafeteria about 2 times since school started.. I'm scared of the place. 

I feel full and I hate it. I'm disgusted. I tried to purge but my parents were everywhere and it was quiet so I couldn't risk it. damn. ugh I want to feel empty! I'm gonna go purge now. Bye my beauties<3

 And for the guy who keeps messing with my head:

S

All I need is... ?

Finally, oh finally I have been doing a bit better. I've drank a lot of fluids and I had my other dancing lesson so I burned some calories too :) I purged after dinner tho but I feel good now. Just that guy mindfucking me bothers me somewhere in the back of my head. Maybe I'll get through this..?

at the end of the day I'm just wondering,

What do you guys think?

ly<3

S

I'm the most worthless piece of shit that has ever walked on earth

So today I'm no better than yesterday, or the day before.. Eating like it's the last day of my life. And  how great is this. My mom just brought me some candy.. I couldn't hate myself more right now :( I hit myself, and ran up and down the stairs to burn calories, did some sit-ups too, but it's not helping. I'm a whale. An ugly whale who has absolutely no self control. I just want to die.  I'm also really stressed out about the situation going on with the guy that's made my life even worse if you can imagine.. He just doesn't seem to care about anything that has something to do with me. I feel worthless and stupid. And so fucking fat and I can't stop eating! I'm powerless.

I'm embarassed to be talking about this stuff to all of you beautiful and skinny ppl.

I sincerely hope the earth swallows me the next tim I go out the door.

please Ana, take me away..

S

Can't buy me love

I suck. I suck at this, I suck at life.. Fact is, I'll never be good enough. I've binged and purged today and I'm so afraid I'm gonna eat enormously at dinner. Born to be fat obviously. I have so much hatred towards myself I've become numb. I'd rather feel real pain instead of this echo that keeps reminding me of how inhumane I am when it comes to being a living person. That sounds really weird but idk how else to put it. I just wanna scream.. I went for a run today in a pouring rain. I feel like I still haven't even burned down the calories from my breakfast and I don't want to eat anyhting anymore, but there's no choise when my parents are around :( and there's even an anorexic girl in this show we watch and I feel like they are watching me more carefully.. I hate life and mostly I hate me.

Mom brought me chinese food.

I started eating.

Mom went out.

And I went to the toilet.

 I wish you all happiness

 S

Everybody lies

I feel disgusting and I can't purge.. I ate lots. Salad, bread, coffee, a smoothie... What the hell is wrong with me?! already binged and urged 2 times today :( I don't wanna give my teeth a hard time so I should really just not eat. How can it be so hard for me then, I have absolutely no self-control. That is why I'm fat. And it's not gonna change, not like this. How can doing nothing be so damn hard? Hope all you beauties are doing better than me<3

How many times have I posted today exactly? :D

It's a cruel world.

S

Almost forgot

 53.5 STILL -.-

sorry my room is a mess :s

Everything she used to know

I'm sick. and tired of being sick and tired.. Didn't help much that yesterday I had a longer day at school than usual. Our guidance counsellor( is that how it's spelled?) gave us a lecture about our future. Great. I felt so anxious sitting there having no idea what the word future means for me. Now I'm just trying to stay in bed so I won't eat anything. I'm not losing, probably gonna have my period soon. Sucks. I just wanna have all that shit cut out of me because I sure as hell won't be having kids. Maybe I'd even be thinner.. Did you know that eating disorders are 88% inherited? :o guess mom hasn't told me everything..

Hope you like it too(=

S