what have i done to push everyone away from me now? i've tried my hardest to smile every day and be nice to everybody. i'm sitting alone while everyone else is eating.. this sucks. i wanna be normal. i wanna be happy. i just wish someone could unerstand me around here s

All of Me

Everything seems to be going wrong once again.. But my plan on treating this guy I mentioned as a friend hasn't yet backfired on me :) one good thing. Last weekend I just ate and ate I can't believe it. I look so FAT! My arms look huge and so disgusting :( Today I'm not gonna eat anything before dinner. I have so much homework I don't have the energy to do all of them and my math skills don't really even exist.. I'm screwed. Haven't cut for about a week so I can wear short sleeved clothes yay :) I'm so tired and messed up.. My thoughts are so fuzzy I can't concentrate on anything, even writhing this. I just wanna quit everything and if the earth could just swallow me now, please?

Bullshit. It was raining like hell today and I sure didn't feel like dancing.

S

I'll never forget you but it's time for me to be happier

 Love this song<3

 I know this is kinda comical, but this is exactly how I feel.

I could just lie on the floor in a total coma..

 

 I'm finally letting him go.. I thought I never could and I'm not sure it'll work, but just the thought of him being in a relationship with someone else makes me feel so different about this whole thing. He's not in a relationship, atleast not yet but it's easier for me to think that way, because even though I'm not that good a person, I always respect other ppl's relationships. We can be friends though, and surprisingly that doesn't seem like a bad idea. I feel better that I've felt in quite awhile and now it's so much easier being aroud him at school everyday :) It's like something just clicked inside my head and I realized it's no use liking him anymore. Of course it's not like my feelings just disappeared, I still feel my heart jump a little when I see him, but I'm letting go now..

I feel less depressed and I'm not eating anything to my sadness so I'm pretty happy with my eatings too :)

Yesterday I ate:

Blueberry smoothie

a couple pieces of bread

 chinese food but avoided the rice

one piece of chocolate

a cup of coffee

And I'm sorry I haven't added much pics of me lately, 

but here's a few :)

 I sincerely hope you all had a good day like I did after all that shit

love

S

Outsider in their midst

I'm so mad! And I don't even know why.. Definitely going to that over emotional mood. I'd rather stay in this numb and a bit angry one. I just wanna shout and cry.. I hate this shit. And this shit seems to be my life. I wonder what would happen if I killed myself. I'd love to stay and watch if I did any damage to those ppl who have damaged me. I'm pretty sure this guy I've liked for quite a long time is getting together with someone else anytime soon.. I wasn't good enough for him anyway. I'm good enough for no one. I just wanna fly away like a bird. I want to disappear but I feel so tied to finishing my education, which gets me nowhere. I wish I knew someone I could go to, like a relative living somewhere far far away from here. I'm going to die skinny.

So that means I'm not even good enough to die yet..

S

I'm falling out

I'm walking around in a coma where I can only hate and be angry. It may also contain sadness.

Stay strong lovelies<3

S

night-time philosophical thoughts

I'm thinking that you can only truly be scared when you're truly happy. Or even when you have anything at all to lose. When you're afraid of losing what you have. People are so keen of owning stuff. That's what love is all about isn't it? I'm not afraid. I own nothing. I'm just waiting for this all to end. A way to get out of this cruel game going on inside my head. I don't remember what it was like to be happy anymore. I've lost me, my feelings.. I just want people to give up on me to give me a good reason to disappear. I need a way out..

S

love you all

It's already shattered.

You can make it hurt even more, but never break it.

It will never heal, because I can't find the pieces.

I've lost them in different worlds and I can't go back.

I'm stumbling down and so is everything around me.

Nothing will be okay.

S

When no matter what you do is never good enough..

I want to die.. Sitting on the floor crying.

I feel everything slipping through my fingers

and there's nothing I can do.

There's not enough pills in this house to kill me.

I'm too fucking afraid of stabbing myself and I don't

want to choke to death by hanging myself and not 

breaking my neck immadiately. A gun would be ideal,

but on the other hand I wouldn't want anyone to have to

clean up afterwards.. I would like to jump you know.

There aren't lots of buildings high enough here though.

I'd love to just close my eyes and pretend I'm flying.

I'm so ugly I don't deserve to live.

There's no guy who could ever love me.

I've gained.

S

54,5!!(=

red red red

 Looks orange in this pic though :)

 fatttt

I'm pretty proud of myself I ate nothing at school today :) I had a good day in other areas too, for once. I have tons of homework and I'm so tired.. I wish I was normal. Not much thoughts in my mind atm. Hope you all had a good day :)

S

55,4Kgs

They look deeper today than when I made them :o

Anyway, school has started and I love the fact that now I got these rutines in my life and I don't "accidentally" eat so much. I walk 4 kilometers almost every day and I dance 2 times a week. I also go to the gym randomly when I have the time and just get myself off my lazy ass.

My head aches daily and that's exhausting cause then I can't really concentrate on anything..

Today I've eaten one piece of bread, a bit of salad at school, and a cup of coffee. I'm not gonna eat anything before dinner.

Yesterday I got that strange urge to cut. I want all that bad stuff to come out of me and I guess I'm hoping it will go with the blood I draw.

I'm so tired of living like this and hiding parts of me..

love you all

S

Illuminated

Went for a run. coughing blood but it was totally worth it. Ran all the way. Now I don't feel so anxious about school tomorrow and I don't feel as lazy, fat or worthless as I did an hour ago. Good night my lovelies<3 My legs are on fire

S

Food won't take this emptiness away

I ate so much this weekend.. We went to  visit our family friends at their cottage. I was pretty much stuffing food in my mouth with both hands! What the hell is wrong with me?!! Tomorrow's monday and now I have to go to school looking like a fucking blowfish.I keep asking the fat girl in the mirror, are you happy now? because I'm losing my mind over this. I don't even have the guts to step on the scale.. I'm just hoping for some axemurderer to come and find me so he doesn't have to kill good ppl. Tomorrow I'll tell you what I weigh,  now there's nothing else to do but sit in a corner and cry my eyes out.

S

Tears coming home

I'm so hungry... But I shouldn't eat anything today. I'm so fat I can't even look in the mirror. My face is so round and ugly. Like the only thing I've ever done is eat. I don't even remember what I did the day before yesterday, though I remember eating something. I've come to think I'm actually more BED than anorexic.

I just want to take a knife and cut all this fat off me .

I'm so scared of myself, because I'm just not me. 5 years is such a long time to be lost. I may not be coming back..

I just want to let you know how much it means to me that you read my blog and comment sometimes<3 It's nice to know I'm not alone(=

 

And remember, if this was easy, wouldn't everyone be doing it? ;)

S

bingebinge

I binged for fucks sake.

And are there no decent guys left on this stupid planet?!

I don't even have the words..... gross

just compare

S

When the cracks begin to show

I can't believe I have to go back to school in just 2 days :/ That's going to break me for sure..

Yesterday was pretty good though I purged what I ate in the afternoon. 

a few pieces of chocolate

two slices of dark bread with salmon

salad

one slice of toast

half a fruit smoothie

one cup of coffee

I'm afraid I'm gonna have my period anytime soon :/

They always hurt more when I get thinner..

My head is so messed up. What if I don't fit in anymore at school? I have a lot of friends there, but what if? :( I'm like a kid who's starting their first schoolyear ever...

I want to cut again, but I don't really like doing that, cause it's not worth it after all. You just have to hide your arms or wherever you cut. I've cut on my legs too but it doesn't show so it won't be there reminding me like if i'd done it on my arm.

 These ones I did on my leg a long time ago. I'm glad they healed so well

because they bled quite a lot.

I watched that movie atonement yesterday and I loved it! My thoughts are so disassembled as you can see looking at this text :D shit I must be going crazy..

 55.0Kgs, lost a pound

 I kinda like this hair after all :)

Hope you lovelies can keep it together better than I can

S