I haven't thrown up in over a month, it's over.

S

Fear her when she looks into the fire and smiles.

It makes me sad how stupid I was to trust my ex boyfriend with this blog as I've now lost this one safe haven and outlet that was separate from the world where in every moment I present myself with my known identity. 
Overall I'm doing alright, despite of some some of that familiar paranoia about gaining weight. I haven't thrown up since the 28th of last month, it's almost been a month now and I don't plan on going back to that habit. I simply couldn't imagine that being my life anymore. I guess I was always waiting for that wake up call that I can't keep going on like this and now that I got diagnosed with this condition, I've had it. Weirdly in a balance with all the bad, I'm more positive about my life than I probably ever was before.
In terms of the break-up, it became a lot messier that it had to but I guess that's really just descriptive of the relationship. Some days are better than others. I sleep a lot but the tiredness rarely goes away. 
For a while now I've kept having quite awful nightmares and waking up with scratch marks on my body. Even if I wake up and fall back to sleep, I can't escape the dream.
If you need me I'll be somewhere between thought, sleep, and always on the path of finding home. 



S

Elektro, Taipei

 

I'm starting to think this condition that I'm in might actually have a lot to offer. I simply don't have the ability to go back to my old, self-destructive habits. Tonight was maybe the first night I've ever gone to a club totally sober, had a good night all the way. Spent time with some completely random people which was nice and although there were more than a few attempts from different guys to get close to me, it just wasn't a possibility in my mind that anything would happen. I love dancing, so there I was on the podium most of the night just enjoying the atmosphere and spending some time with a friend. I'm now taking this time to create something new in myself and those guys at clubs have nothing to offer me. If anything, my relationship taught me my worth and I can't see myself going back to that meaningless bullshit now. I've grown. If I'd been drinking I could see how I really would have wanted to text him and I'd get all those mixed feelings coming back to the surface. Just walking the distance from where the cab dropped me off to home, I missed him. That feeling comes from somewhere much deeper than a drunken state, somewhere no one else has ever reached before. That's why I can just appreciate it in a way, and leave it alone. Good memories.

S

Into the fire

So today going to the hospital I thought whatever it is, I'll have a diagnosis today and then it'll be fixed. During the endoscopy I lied still like a corpse because what else was I going to do while they were shoving that tube through my throat into my stomach, it didn't feel good. It also doesn't feel good having all these things done to you and being passed around from hospital to hospital, not having a clue of what's happening around you or to you because everyone's speaking chinese. Alone. I've never been taking this much painkillers within this short a period of time and even though I hate taking them I understand I just really have to, this time. My rule has always been to not take them unless I'm basically immobilized by the pain, until that I can handle it. 

I have Gastroesophageal reflux disease. I felt as if the doctor's suggestion was basically just not to eat because I can't have anything fatty, fried, chocolate, acidic, spicy, tomato, tea, coffee, alcohol, juices or anything carbonated. Here that just leaves rice, great time to be in Asia, it's ridiculously difficult to eat healthy here in Taiwan. I really haven't been able to figure out what I'll be able to eat for the next two months, except for the prescription pills. Worst case scenario it'll have to be operated but we'll see, I honestly don't even care. Spending some time with these really awesome people living in the same student housing building made me feel a bit better and more relaxed, trying to joke about my condition and making the best out of a bad situation, until this girl sitting with us at the table almost knocked the air out of me by saying "It's for life, right?". 

So then, my dad called me to say him and my mom won't be coming to see me next week like they were supposed to because doctors found a tumor in him and he didn't want to tell me before my examination. He will have to undergo surgery but he didn't let me in on much else. I'd even had a premonition of that phone call, hearing that my dad was sick while being here in a foreign country. Obviously I just completely broke down after that with the tears I'd been holding back all day and then that. Of course my stomach has also been hurting ever since although I ate almost nothing today, had to fast all day for the endoscopy and I haven't had an appetite anyway since I can't really even feel hunger anymore. I'm in knots, still in shock. How can all of this happen at the same time. I was really looking forward to at least seeing my family since my relationship also just fell into pieces. 

I seriously hope all of you are doing better than me right now, everything that's happening hasn't even gotten through to me yet anyway, until that I'll be operating on autopilot just waiting for the aftershock because I really don't know what the fuck else I'm supposed to do. Maybe tomorrow when I wake up today was canceled. Otherwise this will easily constitute as the worst time of my life. It actually hurts to breathe, the sick feeling comes in waves.

I can catch the falling stars.
They make the darkness brighter
Even though they burn holes in my hands.

S

Day 10, meals: 7

I cry every day when I get tired of the pain gnawing at me and it just won't stop. I can't eat, I can barely get out of bed because I'm getting too weak, crawled up in a miserable lump on my bed feeling my heartbeat in every part of my body waiting for a relief. Tomorrow will be my 5th visit to the hospital to have an endoscopy and an ultrasound done for my stomach, it's most likely a stress derived ulcer. The only aspect of my life stressing me the fuck out having been my relationship.

So these last few days, feeling weaker than ever in my life really on edge and still stressed about the relationship, waiting for you to finally step up and do the work to fix things, make the effort.It just didn't happen, which not only insulted me emotionally but also intellectually. You haven't been there for me for anything else but more stress and bad feelings.

If I hadn't learned as much as I did from this relationship, I'd be wishing I'd never met you at all. Now, after having gone through all the hurt, disappointment and loneliness I felt towards the end, I feel indestructible, like nothing could really hurt me anymore. Whenever I feel even the slightest need to reach out to you I just take a look at the pictures of you with other girls and suddenly, I'm good.

I know I will miss being touched a lot, I have always missed that in my life. I haven't been touched by you in 2 months now and other than that I haven't had you in any other way either, really. That should make the separation easier. Time is the only thing all of us really have, you can never really own anything besides your time which is what makes it the most precious thing you can gift someone else. I realized my time was too valuable to waste on waiting for you to give me yours.

The worst thing is that I was well in the process of kicking the ED, high time, working out every day feeling better and stronger, more open even. Now all I'm able to do is lay in bed either in little or a lot of pain and it's starting to break me a little. I haven't given up on completing my exchange yet even though I've seriously considered it. 

Anyway, it's only my first failed relationship and I know I gave it my all so I can't be disappointed in myself which, I have to say, is something new haha. I don't know how long it will take me to heal because naive or not, I wanted to believe we could have been it. The thing is, I have no idea of how I'm supposed to start paying attention to other men when for so long, my world consisted of only one. Maybe it will come with time, I'm in no rush anyway. I have no operational patterns to fall back into though, since I've never experienced a breakup before but it was a long time coming so I guess I was somehow prepared. At the end when there's no real happiness left and it's a struggle after another, I guess I allowed all the ways you hurt me in the past to come crashing down on the relationship and break off whatever was left between us. I couldn't trust you to make the effort to figure out how to do right by me. I know I did a lot of things wrong too, and you met me in my mess, but I've noticed it can be one beautiful mess when I just open my eyes and breathe. I'm sorry that we couldn't make it work because I undoubtedly really loved you and even if right now I'm harboring some bitter emotions it won't last long, you know that about me. I'll have you as a part of my past that I don't regret but I have already deleted your pictures from my social media because that's how you prevent the next person you might care for from having to suffer from something so unnecessary. Please do delete the stuff related to me, I'd hate to be a reason for number 5 to feel as bad as I did. 

I needed you to protect me from some things to make me feel like you could be that safe place for me to heal but it didn't seem like you even cared at the end of the day. The upside is that all that insecurity with you has ended up only making me stronger and I realized I don't need to rely on anyone to heal, so I should thank you for not protecting me. You're right, the past is the past and I wasn't the right kind of girl for you for having asked you to try to make it less present for me. A whim of a p******* indeed, but it pained me to see how much you used to love your previous girlfriends.

It's easy to promise not to abandon someone if you're not going to be there for them in the first place, just hovering somewhere in the background and coming to get whatever you want whenever you want to. I wish all these little, everyday things didn't have the power of reminding me of how I was truly planning on a future with you.

You've ruined the word "princess" for me.
When I'm done here I'll continue on finding my place in the world although temporarily, this is the not a bad place to be at all.



I don't know about you, but I forgive you.

S

Ed, let me go. I have a legit boyfriend now

Hello, it's me

Just in case anyone was wondering how my body was doing at this point. Been working out at least twice a week and I don't remember the last time I hopped on the scale but overall my weight has stuck around 50KGs and I'm happy with that. I still wouldn't ever want to reach my ideal weight of 56 and I think it's fine as long as I can maintain a healthy lifestyle and kick the bad habits. I want a strong and healthy body and my ED no longer holds me captive with completely distorted perceptions of beauty. Thank you for the support all the way through my journey so far, I still have a lot to work on as my issues aren't limited to my bad habits with food. What I've learned by now is that pain is not something that scares me as long as I keep moving forward, letting it teach me a lesson. I wish you all the best and loads of positive thoughts and excitement for the future. I definitely never thought I'd get to this point in my life.

S

So tired

I spent most of today wearing your shirt because of how much I miss you despite my mixed feelings regarding everything. I've waited to see your face and hear your voice since Monday. Whenever I'm not ok it's not something I have to tell you, you're the only person I can't conceal it from. All I really did was cry and I struggled so hard to bring up any of the things that were, and are, tormenting me. Everything you were saying was so perfect you were warming my cold, cold heart but what I really need is for it to start beating again, unafraid. 

You're so tired trying to rewind the mess you've made of your own mind
But the pieces won't pick up themselves, you know
You can fight just like you've been taught
It won't undo the life you've got

'Cause the pieces won't pick up themselves

To "You Know Who"

Ever since you left I've had this growing tornado in my mind overpowering my sanity. I'm dying for there to be a way for you to know exactly what it's like to be me sometimes, twisted into a million knots it's like possession. Demons. I'm highly self-destructive sometimes as you know and you call it my auto-destruction mode. This time in my life I'm at a breaking point and I know I will have to make big decisions and leave some things behind from what I've grown up to so far. My world is shaking and since childhood I've developed this idea that letting go of people instead of fighting for them and putting yourself in a fight to keep them by your side is easier because you'll never know whether they decide to stay by your side at the end of the day or not. I wish you could understand how much struggle of my own I keep inside to not let it get to you, the demons, even though I'm sure you feel like I always put everything on you. Right now you're not here and I'm keeping it to myself but I can barely handle it, everything could fall apart. My biggest struggle is the fact that I've always kept everyone at an arm's length for reasons of self-preservation, I was so tired of getting hurt and it worked for me, although obviously it didn't take away my tendencies to hurt myself. In all honesty I've never really struggled as hard as I have during our relationship, both with you and myself. 

You recently quoted Bob Marley to me: 
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”

I found you and I’ve chosen you every day for almost a year ever since. I’ve changed a lot, as you’ve told me you have too and although we certainly have our fair share of struggles coming up ahead we always keep moving forward. I know I drive you crazy, I hurt you and I’ve made my mistakes but I’ve learned my lesson too. My problem is that after everything that’s happened I’ve grown wary of you in terms of everything related to you and under your control that could hurt me as so far, my taking hits from those things has resembled murphy’s law. I also hate being consequently reminded of those hurts and feeling like I have no control. What has felt like begging on my knees for you to not let me get hurt hasn’t worked its magic either. I do not, however, claim for the pain you’ve one way or another caused me to have been intentional. The consequence that rattles me, you should know, is the acceleration of my self-destructive behavior. I’m on a constant lookout for things related to you that could hurt me and I hastily try to reach the hurt faster than letting things happen on their own, in a desperate attempt to gain back control of my pain and to soften the blow. Now it feels like I can’t stop and that results in what you feel is a lack of trust towards you. However, you should know I’ve never in my life trusted anyone like I trust you. It’s early for determining whether I’m right to do that or not but I have hope and you always prove yourself to me without asking. I don’t ask because deep down I know you. Everything we have is deeper than my demons and I’ve already changed a lot. You know all this. A way for me to describe my state of the past few days is by going back to the movie we watched a while ago about the Japanese suicide forest: If you go in with sadness in your heart, the forest will eat you up inside. My mind is that forest. I know most of the triggers for my current anxiety are not related to realistic or current issues in our relationship but the scars still burn.

I’m sure most of us have heard the phrase; “Love and compatibility aren’t always the same thing”, but at the end of the day, how can compatibility really be determined? Could this idea of incompatibility be related to the gap between the perceived value of a relationship and the effort it lacks for it to be made to last? I’ve almost worn myself out fighting the flight instinct for us because I believe our struggles are temporary, like growing pains they will become less frequent and less painful over time.

I choose you every day because without you who would I even begin to learn the kind of positive thinking you practice every day from? Who would appreciate and notice the things I have to give? Who would weather all the storms with me and tell me I have all these amazing qualities I’m not even truly aware of? Who would I be able to look at with admiration, knowing I couldn’t even dream of better? Who would inspire me or especially follow me across the world to show their love and dedication? Who would tell me they need me? I need you too although being knowingly and willingly dependent on another person still afflicts me. Without you, who would be my family? And most importantly, who would give me foot massages without even asking? I could keep going for ages, really, but I’m sure you get the idea. I love you. 


S

Struggles

You can only be let down by the same person as many times as you choose to be.

Red Forman

Letting go is good but choosing what to let go of is difficult. Ive been to my first doctor's appointment to start treating my ED as well as my other issues. This week I have an appointment for lab tests and to see a nurse too. Next week I'm seeing a psychologist, this is overwhelming. Having taken a look at me and after a couple of questions the doctor already transferred my treatment to where I'm going when I finish school in this city. I'm losing control of my eating again and I don't like how I'm getting thinner. Me and my boyfriend are fighting constantly and I feel like things are going horribly wrong and we're only dragging it on while some part deep inside me that I've only let him touch so far is getting twisted and slowly shattered.

S

-

Resisting the urge to cut myself it's been a while, I wish I at least had a shrink to talk to. 

Towards the sky

I think it was years ago that I last felt this depressed and incapable of doing the things I need to do for everyday life. My relationship is in pieces even though we love each other so much. He told me he needs me to get professional help to deal with my issues because he can't keep up anymore. I don't know how it seems to be like a snowball effect when it comes too things being my fault at the end of the day. I can't stand the feeling and we've almost broken up. I tried calling the student health services to make an appointment for a psychiatrist but they won't call me back. I even opened my mouth and told my mom after 9 years that I have issues with food even though it wasn't like she didn't know and I'm going to get help even if my relationship doesn't live to see the results because they will take a long time to appear. In my mind I'm trying to do everything to better myself to be better for him but with some things I don't know if it can happen fast enough for him to be able to bear the difficulties much longer and it kills me. The worst part was that he told me after we were fighting a lot when I was there that he doesn't think it's possible for me to come to Paris to him for the summer like we'd planned. We didn't make any new plans and I left the next day thinking we were over. I feel like a part of me died of the uncertainty and thinking the worst on the airplane. Now he's told me he's ok with me coming and he's trying to come here as much as possible. I don't want to go anymore I don't want to cause any more problems and I can imagine what it means that he actualy came to canceling in the first place. I'm so confused and anxious about whether we can put things together before my exchange starts in the fall or not. I wish I had a list of the exact things I need to do to fix everything and I would do it. He told me it seems that it's difficult for me to be in his country and out of my comfort zone but really I just want and need him to be interested in what I want to do in his comfort zone. I've never met anyone like him or felt the way I feel for him before and I would rather live alone for the rest of my life than trying to find someone else if this doesn't work out. I wish I was as perfect for him as he is for me but I'm still just me even if I manage to take care of my issues and deep down I'm wondering if the more he gets to know me the less he starts to like me. Every time I feel as traumatized as I have for a week now my mind starts reforming and letting go of things I've held as parts of me to purify me of pain and feelings in general. I'm becoming something again, maybe. Hopefully not a ghost. For anyone that I used to know who's still there, I miss you guys and I hope you're doing well. Eve thank you for being there you're irreplaceable.

S

-

I'm going fucking insane.