To "You Know Who"

Ever since you left I've had this growing tornado in my mind overpowering my sanity. I'm dying for there to be a way for you to know exactly what it's like to be me sometimes, twisted into a million knots it's like possession. Demons. I'm highly self-destructive sometimes as you know and you call it my auto-destruction mode. This time in my life I'm at a breaking point and I know I will have to make big decisions and leave some things behind from what I've grown up to so far. My world is shaking and since childhood I've developed this idea that letting go of people instead of fighting for them and putting yourself in a fight to keep them by your side is easier because you'll never know whether they decide to stay by your side at the end of the day or not. I wish you could understand how much struggle of my own I keep inside to not let it get to you, the demons, even though I'm sure you feel like I always put everything on you. Right now you're not here and I'm keeping it to myself but I can barely handle it, everything could fall apart. My biggest struggle is the fact that I've always kept everyone at an arm's length for reasons of self-preservation, I was so tired of getting hurt and it worked for me, although obviously it didn't take away my tendencies to hurt myself. In all honesty I've never really struggled as hard as I have during our relationship, both with you and myself. 

You recently quoted Bob Marley to me: 
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”

I found you and I’ve chosen you every day for almost a year ever since. I’ve changed a lot, as you’ve told me you have too and although we certainly have our fair share of struggles coming up ahead we always keep moving forward. I know I drive you crazy, I hurt you and I’ve made my mistakes but I’ve learned my lesson too. My problem is that after everything that’s happened I’ve grown wary of you in terms of everything related to you and under your control that could hurt me as so far, my taking hits from those things has resembled murphy’s law. I also hate being consequently reminded of those hurts and feeling like I have no control. What has felt like begging on my knees for you to not let me get hurt hasn’t worked its magic either. I do not, however, claim for the pain you’ve one way or another caused me to have been intentional. The consequence that rattles me, you should know, is the acceleration of my self-destructive behavior. I’m on a constant lookout for things related to you that could hurt me and I hastily try to reach the hurt faster than letting things happen on their own, in a desperate attempt to gain back control of my pain and to soften the blow. Now it feels like I can’t stop and that results in what you feel is a lack of trust towards you. However, you should know I’ve never in my life trusted anyone like I trust you. It’s early for determining whether I’m right to do that or not but I have hope and you always prove yourself to me without asking. I don’t ask because deep down I know you. Everything we have is deeper than my demons and I’ve already changed a lot. You know all this. A way for me to describe my state of the past few days is by going back to the movie we watched a while ago about the Japanese suicide forest: If you go in with sadness in your heart, the forest will eat you up inside. My mind is that forest. I know most of the triggers for my current anxiety are not related to realistic or current issues in our relationship but the scars still burn.

I’m sure most of us have heard the phrase; “Love and compatibility aren’t always the same thing”, but at the end of the day, how can compatibility really be determined? Could this idea of incompatibility be related to the gap between the perceived value of a relationship and the effort it lacks for it to be made to last? I’ve almost worn myself out fighting the flight instinct for us because I believe our struggles are temporary, like growing pains they will become less frequent and less painful over time.

I choose you every day because without you who would I even begin to learn the kind of positive thinking you practice every day from? Who would appreciate and notice the things I have to give? Who would weather all the storms with me and tell me I have all these amazing qualities I’m not even truly aware of? Who would I be able to look at with admiration, knowing I couldn’t even dream of better? Who would inspire me or especially follow me across the world to show their love and dedication? Who would tell me they need me? I need you too although being knowingly and willingly dependent on another person still afflicts me. Without you, who would be my family? And most importantly, who would give me foot massages without even asking? I could keep going for ages, really, but I’m sure you get the idea. I love you. 


S