Towards the sky

I think it was years ago that I last felt this depressed and incapable of doing the things I need to do for everyday life. My relationship is in pieces even though we love each other so much. He told me he needs me to get professional help to deal with my issues because he can't keep up anymore. I don't know how it seems to be like a snowball effect when it comes too things being my fault at the end of the day. I can't stand the feeling and we've almost broken up. I tried calling the student health services to make an appointment for a psychiatrist but they won't call me back. I even opened my mouth and told my mom after 9 years that I have issues with food even though it wasn't like she didn't know and I'm going to get help even if my relationship doesn't live to see the results because they will take a long time to appear. In my mind I'm trying to do everything to better myself to be better for him but with some things I don't know if it can happen fast enough for him to be able to bear the difficulties much longer and it kills me. The worst part was that he told me after we were fighting a lot when I was there that he doesn't think it's possible for me to come to Paris to him for the summer like we'd planned. We didn't make any new plans and I left the next day thinking we were over. I feel like a part of me died of the uncertainty and thinking the worst on the airplane. Now he's told me he's ok with me coming and he's trying to come here as much as possible. I don't want to go anymore I don't want to cause any more problems and I can imagine what it means that he actualy came to canceling in the first place. I'm so confused and anxious about whether we can put things together before my exchange starts in the fall or not. I wish I had a list of the exact things I need to do to fix everything and I would do it. He told me it seems that it's difficult for me to be in his country and out of my comfort zone but really I just want and need him to be interested in what I want to do in his comfort zone. I've never met anyone like him or felt the way I feel for him before and I would rather live alone for the rest of my life than trying to find someone else if this doesn't work out. I wish I was as perfect for him as he is for me but I'm still just me even if I manage to take care of my issues and deep down I'm wondering if the more he gets to know me the less he starts to like me. Every time I feel as traumatized as I have for a week now my mind starts reforming and letting go of things I've held as parts of me to purify me of pain and feelings in general. I'm becoming something again, maybe. Hopefully not a ghost. For anyone that I used to know who's still there, I miss you guys and I hope you're doing well. Eve thank you for being there you're irreplaceable.

S