Day 10, meals: 7

I cry every day when I get tired of the pain gnawing at me and it just won't stop. I can't eat, I can barely get out of bed because I'm getting too weak, crawled up in a miserable lump on my bed feeling my heartbeat in every part of my body waiting for a relief. Tomorrow will be my 5th visit to the hospital to have an endoscopy and an ultrasound done for my stomach, it's most likely a stress derived ulcer. The only aspect of my life stressing me the fuck out having been my relationship.

So these last few days, feeling weaker than ever in my life really on edge and still stressed about the relationship, waiting for you to finally step up and do the work to fix things, make the effort.It just didn't happen, which not only insulted me emotionally but also intellectually. You haven't been there for me for anything else but more stress and bad feelings.

If I hadn't learned as much as I did from this relationship, I'd be wishing I'd never met you at all. Now, after having gone through all the hurt, disappointment and loneliness I felt towards the end, I feel indestructible, like nothing could really hurt me anymore. Whenever I feel even the slightest need to reach out to you I just take a look at the pictures of you with other girls and suddenly, I'm good.

I know I will miss being touched a lot, I have always missed that in my life. I haven't been touched by you in 2 months now and other than that I haven't had you in any other way either, really. That should make the separation easier. Time is the only thing all of us really have, you can never really own anything besides your time which is what makes it the most precious thing you can gift someone else. I realized my time was too valuable to waste on waiting for you to give me yours.

The worst thing is that I was well in the process of kicking the ED, high time, working out every day feeling better and stronger, more open even. Now all I'm able to do is lay in bed either in little or a lot of pain and it's starting to break me a little. I haven't given up on completing my exchange yet even though I've seriously considered it. 

Anyway, it's only my first failed relationship and I know I gave it my all so I can't be disappointed in myself which, I have to say, is something new haha. I don't know how long it will take me to heal because naive or not, I wanted to believe we could have been it. The thing is, I have no idea of how I'm supposed to start paying attention to other men when for so long, my world consisted of only one. Maybe it will come with time, I'm in no rush anyway. I have no operational patterns to fall back into though, since I've never experienced a breakup before but it was a long time coming so I guess I was somehow prepared. At the end when there's no real happiness left and it's a struggle after another, I guess I allowed all the ways you hurt me in the past to come crashing down on the relationship and break off whatever was left between us. I couldn't trust you to make the effort to figure out how to do right by me. I know I did a lot of things wrong too, and you met me in my mess, but I've noticed it can be one beautiful mess when I just open my eyes and breathe. I'm sorry that we couldn't make it work because I undoubtedly really loved you and even if right now I'm harboring some bitter emotions it won't last long, you know that about me. I'll have you as a part of my past that I don't regret but I have already deleted your pictures from my social media because that's how you prevent the next person you might care for from having to suffer from something so unnecessary. Please do delete the stuff related to me, I'd hate to be a reason for number 5 to feel as bad as I did. 

I needed you to protect me from some things to make me feel like you could be that safe place for me to heal but it didn't seem like you even cared at the end of the day. The upside is that all that insecurity with you has ended up only making me stronger and I realized I don't need to rely on anyone to heal, so I should thank you for not protecting me. You're right, the past is the past and I wasn't the right kind of girl for you for having asked you to try to make it less present for me. A whim of a p******* indeed, but it pained me to see how much you used to love your previous girlfriends.

It's easy to promise not to abandon someone if you're not going to be there for them in the first place, just hovering somewhere in the background and coming to get whatever you want whenever you want to. I wish all these little, everyday things didn't have the power of reminding me of how I was truly planning on a future with you.

You've ruined the word "princess" for me.
When I'm done here I'll continue on finding my place in the world although temporarily, this is the not a bad place to be at all.



I don't know about you, but I forgive you.

S