Into the fire

So today going to the hospital I thought whatever it is, I'll have a diagnosis today and then it'll be fixed. During the endoscopy I lied still like a corpse because what else was I going to do while they were shoving that tube through my throat into my stomach, it didn't feel good. It also doesn't feel good having all these things done to you and being passed around from hospital to hospital, not having a clue of what's happening around you or to you because everyone's speaking chinese. Alone. I've never been taking this much painkillers within this short a period of time and even though I hate taking them I understand I just really have to, this time. My rule has always been to not take them unless I'm basically immobilized by the pain, until that I can handle it. 

I have Gastroesophageal reflux disease. I felt as if the doctor's suggestion was basically just not to eat because I can't have anything fatty, fried, chocolate, acidic, spicy, tomato, tea, coffee, alcohol, juices or anything carbonated. Here that just leaves rice, great time to be in Asia, it's ridiculously difficult to eat healthy here in Taiwan. I really haven't been able to figure out what I'll be able to eat for the next two months, except for the prescription pills. Worst case scenario it'll have to be operated but we'll see, I honestly don't even care. Spending some time with these really awesome people living in the same student housing building made me feel a bit better and more relaxed, trying to joke about my condition and making the best out of a bad situation, until this girl sitting with us at the table almost knocked the air out of me by saying "It's for life, right?". 

So then, my dad called me to say him and my mom won't be coming to see me next week like they were supposed to because doctors found a tumor in him and he didn't want to tell me before my examination. He will have to undergo surgery but he didn't let me in on much else. I'd even had a premonition of that phone call, hearing that my dad was sick while being here in a foreign country. Obviously I just completely broke down after that with the tears I'd been holding back all day and then that. Of course my stomach has also been hurting ever since although I ate almost nothing today, had to fast all day for the endoscopy and I haven't had an appetite anyway since I can't really even feel hunger anymore. I'm in knots, still in shock. How can all of this happen at the same time. I was really looking forward to at least seeing my family since my relationship also just fell into pieces. 

I seriously hope all of you are doing better than me right now, everything that's happening hasn't even gotten through to me yet anyway, until that I'll be operating on autopilot just waiting for the aftershock because I really don't know what the fuck else I'm supposed to do. Maybe tomorrow when I wake up today was canceled. Otherwise this will easily constitute as the worst time of my life. It actually hurts to breathe, the sick feeling comes in waves.

I can catch the falling stars.
They make the darkness brighter
Even though they burn holes in my hands.

S