Satellites, Close Your Eyes

 

I can feel my heart beating, that must mean I'm alive.. I guess, but i'm completely oblivious of everything around me so that's kinda shady :/ I love being on holiday but at the same time I know that when the school starts I'm going to have to adjust once again.. It's just draining. I haven't taken much of anything for a while, drugs I mean, and actually I don't have aything to say about that either.. I'm thinking so hard but can't come up with anything at all, maybe cause I don't remember. I have no idea of what I did yesterday, not to mention any other day before that.. Guess my head doesn't want to waste any energy to remembering stuff. I'm starting to think that all my energy goes to maintaining myself somehow, but I wouldn't call myself a human. I just am here.. Wish I wasn't though. Once again someone I knew died around here and it's just so unfair that people like me who don't even want to live keep living and then some people get snatched just like that, from their sleep!!! It's a sick world. THERE IS NO GOD PEOPLE!! who the hell believes in that shitit's such a scam. We don't get eny more trouble than we can handle? Then why do so many people commit suicide?! Or is dying actually not too much for people to handle, or for their loved ones to handle? Happy fucking new year, that is gonna be at least as crappy as this one! Peace out, damn I'm pissed right now.... Anyways I love all of you and you know that cause I keep saying that every time post :D Well, for a person that doesn't hear that too often, I feel like I can't say it too much to you :)

 

 

 

 

 

You know, all I can make out of this year in my head is letting X finally out of my life..

As well as I know it was the right thing to do, it feels like a raw, open wound. And just like this, I'm crying.. No tears though but I am, believe me.

 

S

 

 

 

 



Almost Done With This Year

 

 Don't know whether to laugh or cry..

 

ly

 

S

But You're Just A Boy

Definitely getting my periods soon.. I'm all bloated and I bet you guys know enough about that shitty stuff.. :| I'm starting to get a bit worried because it's getting hard for me to purge? I know it's normal for the throat to get numb and trowing up gets harder but this is something else. There's blood almost every time and I have a weird feeling in my throat when I swallow.. Anyway I'm sorry but I don't have any pictures on this computer but I took a couple today on my cell, the h&m size 34 was too big for me and I look completely different in the mirrors at the mall. I'm not even sure how I feel about this whole thing, god I'm so confused!! I'm not skinny at all but everything around me changes? what the hell is that about. I'm seriously losing the insides of my head whatever that is.. The fog thing is taking over

 

 

 

 

 

Yours,

S

Some Of The Stuff You Say Is -

Who the hell am I?

Lunacy

Still at 50Kgs.. Tomorrow my parents are going to work so I don't have to eat anything the whole day, at least I don't have to keep anything in.. I drank two cups of coffee, half a pomelo, an apple, two very thin slices(I make them as this as possible cutting them with a knife) of rye bread and a mandarin. Before that I threw up dinner, of course.. Now I feel sooooo full I hate it but I'm hoping I'll fall asleep easier cause I'm quite warm now. Had an awesome marathon of pretty little liars and soon I'll be going to bed. God I wish there was someone I could take with me, a boyfriend, just a friend, whatever.. I just hate being alone all the time. Or I don't know, I'm actually too twisted to even know what I feel because as much as I hate being alone, I definitely enjoy it. I also love playing mind games with people. There's this guy who I think likes me, that's what he says anyway. I don't like him like that at all, not sure I even like him as a friend that much, we just talk on facebook, because for some reason I don't feel an urge to see him in person. Damn I sound mean, well he says I'm cruel but in a cool/ good way. What the hell does that mean?! How can he see anything good in me when I only show him all the bad stuff? I have to admit that I subcounciously? wrapped him around my finger. I really don't mean to sound this disgustingly arrogant but I don't know how to put it in any other way. Maybe that's just another god forsaken side of me.. I'm such a sick person, like I get this terrible satisfaction from playing with people. I don't know how else to be in contact with them, especially with guys. You've probably already got tired of my shit but this is my therapy and maybe some of you still like to read about this delusional world that I live in :) God I'm messed up, I have no idea of what I'm doing and the girl in the mirror can't seem to forgive me for anything that I do, because it's all wrong. I guess that's why I'm so lost. I don't know what's right for me to do anything so I don't feel like doing anything. That doesn't matter however cause I have to keep doing something trying to maintain at least a bit of sense in my head, in case there's anything left at all. Atm it doesn't feel like that. Damn it, I can't even figure out myself what I'm trying to say to you here :( My head is full of crap, fog actually. And no matter how much I keep blaming X, he's not the one who made me like this, at least not from the inside. I think I was born like this and just grew into it. X may have affected the way I treat people and how I see them, but something bad has happened to him too. I just know it and I CAN blame him for not letting anyone close to me anymore. This is definitely another side of me that keeps thinking and talking to you guys about him even though tha other side is trying so hard to forget. Few days ago I re-read all our facebook conversations and I'm not even sure how long that took me, I just got so sucked into it. Well, after that I deleted all of it. I don't even know how I feel about that, haha.. funny much..... Shit I really have to stop writing a novel here. Have it good everyone I love you guys! xx

 

That's what's left in the END, isn't it..

 

 

 

S

50.0

 Only gained about one pound during this christmas shit, something to be happy about :) Though my throat is pretty much torn to shreds due to all that purging i had to do :/ Now it's healing cause the last few days i didn't have the oppertunity to puke. I promised some pictures so there are a few below. Now I weigh 50Kgs sharp and my god do I wanna binge.. I'm just waiting for my parents to go back to work so I can have that magical binging day after all this restriction (or trying to restrict from food). My hunnies how are you doing haven't heard any more from you that you've heard from me :( I miss you lovely ladies<3 Well anyway my christmas time is shitty as always but no biggie I'm surviving. I've actually managed to do some planning for the future and don't feel so hopeless all the time. I just need to get the hell out of this place. Did I already tell you I'm not dancing with X anymore? Our deal is off cause he couldn't make it to the lessons. Thank god I found someone else to dance with and he's great! Funny and polite + nice looking :) Don't get me wrong I mean I might be a bit into him but no way I'm looking for anything at the moment so I'm just glad to have such a nice dancing partner. I'm really tired of school but somehow i keep pushing myself.. I can't wait for it to end. I still have to see X around for one period next year. Certainly not looking forward to that :D That asshole really broke my heart.. Well it was already broken but he shattered it to a million pieces. Now I'm just tired and cruel. But maybe I'll get another chance and change as soon as I get out of this shit hole. It's weird how optimistic I'm feeling right now, but wait for it, it'll pass. Englishrose I love you, sorry I couldn't answer you comment on my crappy phone so I'll just announce that like this :) always and forever, sis<3ow I'm off, have a good christmas time everybody xx

 

S

so it seems

TOMORROW I'LL FINALLY BE HOME FROM CENTRAL FINLAND AND I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU GUYS (WHO ARE STILL INTERESTED IN HOW I'M DOING) A PROPER POST :) NOW I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHY THIS IS ALL IN CAPITAL LETTERS BUT ANYWAY I JUST WANTED TO WISH YOU ALL A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND I'LL GET BACK TO YOU BEFORE NEW YEAR ;) LOVE YOU  <3  S

Tired as hell and falling apart

School is killing me.. I'm sorry I've been so absent :( I'd really need to write about this stuff cause I can't let it out in any other way.. Yesterday was the end of my exam week and today we started a new period at my school. I'm already exhausted and I have so many other things piled on ..I can't take this :/ I'm thinking more and more about suicide and stuff but thank god I'm getting more concerta sometime soon. I'm eating frozen corn haha :D It's good and we don't really have anything else healthy in the house. I have my ballet class today and even though I just feel like sleeping and I have a terrible headache, I'm gonna go. I don't like leaving our house anymore and I barely see my friends. After school I hurry home so no one will see me cry, and then I maybe binge a bit, then purge of course.. Just a minute ago, the number on the scale was 50,1Kgs, I actually saw the number 49 before it settled :) And I have to say this English Rose, TinyRose, I don't know how you guys put up with me, but the fact that I know you're there means so much to me and I love you =) Anyway I still have loads of homework to do.. Such a horrible day. I hope you all are doing better than I am

You are all important don't forget that <3

 

S

P.S

 I love this song

 

I've taken the darker way

Sweet lips, intoxicating
Sultry eyes that stare, waiting
To lure the hungry heart
Into a deadly trap

Innocent and pure, it seems
On both of us the shadow feeds
Perverted are its needs
But it seems we have no choice

Sweet eyes, so warm
So pure, the love they offer
Still free of all the filth
That turns hearts into debris
If love must fail
Then lust sure will prevail
And when both fall
Hate will conquer all

If I can't give, I'll take
Accept this fate, be fueled by my hate
At least I know
It's always there for me
I fear no death
No foe can ever match me
Yet you could break me leaving only confusion

Sweet eyes, once pure
Just like the love they offered
Now stay devoted to the path of seduction

Made up your mind
Held back the warmth in your eyes
Are you prepared?
This road might be your destruction

My flesh, my heart
My soul adorned by a scar
They're still all mine until my dying day

I've crossed the line
It is too late for me now
You did me in, I've taken the darker way

I'm so tired and yesterday was terrible.. I ate and purged like idk how many times..

My stomach is raw and it hurts, but afterall it was worth it. Now I weigh 50,5 =)

I'm thinking how great it would be to fall into a coma and maybe wake up later and remember nothing about my past life. Start over, cause I think now I'm cursed to think about my eating the rest of my life. Hating myself. I'm settled on my deadline of 25 years of this life. That means I've got 8 years left.. I want to be free. Maybe I'll be free in death.

This one guy I barely know decided he wants to help me cause he knows I'm troubled. I don't like the idea. He says he just wants to find some humanity in me, but he's doing the exact opposite I think. I'm frustrated and anxious about him trying to help me and I have absolutely no idea why he'd want to do that anyway. It's hard for me to imagine that anyone would like me, but if he does, he's gonna be really disappointed when he realises I'm playing with him like I always do. Don't think I haven't warned him though.. I'm a total monster. My heart can't be broken into any smaller pieces so I torture other people. Really I just want to stay away from all of them, but if they try to get close.... Well then they basically ask for it, to be hurt and pushed away. I love playing mind games. To be honest, the boy doesn't stand a chance. I don't trust anyone anymore and that's what keeps me alive at the end of the day, because it would kill me to get hurt again like how I've gotten hurt before.

I shouldn't be alive. If there's a god, please just take me away..

 

 

 

Who am I now?

 

S

And you give yourself away..

I deleted X from my facebook friends.. Kinda childish but it was just too disturbing to see him on the chat every time I log in.. He's not going to be my partner at our school dance, he's too busy with school. Well anyway I got a new partner the same day he cancelled so.. Whatever. I just want him out of my life :/  Took quite a lot of concerta cause we had our music performance in front of our whole school today.. I was scared to death but by the time we were on stage I was relaxed enough and it went well I think :) How are you people?? I've been so busy with hating myself, purging and all the things we have to do for school that I haven't posted for days.. I already miss you guys </3 

I've lost too many people in too short time, the smallest things effect me so thatI just want to cry and I hate it.. Especially at school. I'm can't seriously be this weak :( I'm glad to say that I don't think many people hate me atm though.. 

I don't know what to say my head feels so empty and my life is basically based on my daily routines but I don't feel alive at all anymore. I'm just here.. you know?

Dead inside, but breathing..

(Y)

S

Keep Walking Towards Sunrise

Today I spent the whole day in Helsinki at a seminar about holocaust and antisemitism. It was a part of my history course and quite interesting to be honest. I'm so tired right now and going to bed. I ate so many ricecakes and a lot of salad today and my periods started.. I'm so fat but when they're over I'm hoping to be a bit lighter :) Still 51,7.. Fat piece of shit, that's all I have to say. Don't have much friends, don't have anyone actually. I kinda like being home alone but some moments I realise just how lonely I am. I'd hate it if all this suffering was in vain, so I've decided I'm gonna make something out of myself. I'm gonna do and say things other people are afraid to do and say, because I don't have much to lose. I don't have much to love either, and there's even less to love about me. Anyway, I want to be good at something. Just something. Why won't the universe cut me any slack? And now I'm forgetting all the things I should be grateful for. But seriously, my message to all of you young people is, all due respect, to get to know our history. It's really important and I feel like the youth of today doesn't really give a shit about something that doesn't concern them at the moment. This brings us to making all the same terrible mistakes again, and we end up asking how the hell this happened. It's easy to be fooled if you don't know anything about what's going on..

Well enough with the lecture, have a good rest of the weekend everyone =)

Sending you my love( and my enthusiasm to make a change in our society ;)

<3

 

 

S

Not one nice thing

I can barely keep my eyes open.. I'm just tired and I'm sure you all know what I mean. I need a change, I don't want to be here. These people make me sick. Not like there's anything wrong with them, just me. It's in me. All of it. And it sucks going back to things in my head and realising that what I thought all along was someone elses fault, is actually mine. When I feel like someone did something to hurt me, I either deserved it, or did something to cause it myself. I'm the root of all evil.. And I'm gonna need a shitload of concerta for the weekend to keep my appetite away. We're going to see my two grandmothers who both live in central finland. Don't get me wrong I love them but they always have so much food to offer and when there really isn't much to do it's easy making stupid mistakes like filling myself up to my ears with all the bad stuff.. or any stuff. I can't afford to eat anything. Today I've had: two cups of coffee, blueberries with a little bit of vanilla sauce, 1½ pieces of bread.. I'm so glad all of you didn't abandon me because of my break in posting, thank you it means a lot<3

 

 

 

 

 I don't know if you would call it a war though, because

the bad side is clearly winning..

 

 I'm gonna play with our school music group in front of the whole school next thursday.. I'm terrified already. I hate performing. I hate people looking at me. I'm gonna mess up so bad I can't ever show my face again around there =( Maybe I'm sick that day..

 Or take concerta and not be nervous at all =) I'm seriously gonna have to cut down a bit though cause otherwise my tolerance is getting higher and I'll need to take more and more. The good thing is that I snort it so it affects 3 times stronger than swallowing the pill.

Hope you're all good, much love<3

S