Lunacy

Still at 50Kgs.. Tomorrow my parents are going to work so I don't have to eat anything the whole day, at least I don't have to keep anything in.. I drank two cups of coffee, half a pomelo, an apple, two very thin slices(I make them as this as possible cutting them with a knife) of rye bread and a mandarin. Before that I threw up dinner, of course.. Now I feel sooooo full I hate it but I'm hoping I'll fall asleep easier cause I'm quite warm now. Had an awesome marathon of pretty little liars and soon I'll be going to bed. God I wish there was someone I could take with me, a boyfriend, just a friend, whatever.. I just hate being alone all the time. Or I don't know, I'm actually too twisted to even know what I feel because as much as I hate being alone, I definitely enjoy it. I also love playing mind games with people. There's this guy who I think likes me, that's what he says anyway. I don't like him like that at all, not sure I even like him as a friend that much, we just talk on facebook, because for some reason I don't feel an urge to see him in person. Damn I sound mean, well he says I'm cruel but in a cool/ good way. What the hell does that mean?! How can he see anything good in me when I only show him all the bad stuff? I have to admit that I subcounciously? wrapped him around my finger. I really don't mean to sound this disgustingly arrogant but I don't know how to put it in any other way. Maybe that's just another god forsaken side of me.. I'm such a sick person, like I get this terrible satisfaction from playing with people. I don't know how else to be in contact with them, especially with guys. You've probably already got tired of my shit but this is my therapy and maybe some of you still like to read about this delusional world that I live in :) God I'm messed up, I have no idea of what I'm doing and the girl in the mirror can't seem to forgive me for anything that I do, because it's all wrong. I guess that's why I'm so lost. I don't know what's right for me to do anything so I don't feel like doing anything. That doesn't matter however cause I have to keep doing something trying to maintain at least a bit of sense in my head, in case there's anything left at all. Atm it doesn't feel like that. Damn it, I can't even figure out myself what I'm trying to say to you here :( My head is full of crap, fog actually. And no matter how much I keep blaming X, he's not the one who made me like this, at least not from the inside. I think I was born like this and just grew into it. X may have affected the way I treat people and how I see them, but something bad has happened to him too. I just know it and I CAN blame him for not letting anyone close to me anymore. This is definitely another side of me that keeps thinking and talking to you guys about him even though tha other side is trying so hard to forget. Few days ago I re-read all our facebook conversations and I'm not even sure how long that took me, I just got so sucked into it. Well, after that I deleted all of it. I don't even know how I feel about that, haha.. funny much..... Shit I really have to stop writing a novel here. Have it good everyone I love you guys! xx

 

That's what's left in the END, isn't it..

 

 

 

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