Not one nice thing

I can barely keep my eyes open.. I'm just tired and I'm sure you all know what I mean. I need a change, I don't want to be here. These people make me sick. Not like there's anything wrong with them, just me. It's in me. All of it. And it sucks going back to things in my head and realising that what I thought all along was someone elses fault, is actually mine. When I feel like someone did something to hurt me, I either deserved it, or did something to cause it myself. I'm the root of all evil.. And I'm gonna need a shitload of concerta for the weekend to keep my appetite away. We're going to see my two grandmothers who both live in central finland. Don't get me wrong I love them but they always have so much food to offer and when there really isn't much to do it's easy making stupid mistakes like filling myself up to my ears with all the bad stuff.. or any stuff. I can't afford to eat anything. Today I've had: two cups of coffee, blueberries with a little bit of vanilla sauce, 1½ pieces of bread.. I'm so glad all of you didn't abandon me because of my break in posting, thank you it means a lot<3

 

 

 

 

 I don't know if you would call it a war though, because

the bad side is clearly winning..

 

 I'm gonna play with our school music group in front of the whole school next thursday.. I'm terrified already. I hate performing. I hate people looking at me. I'm gonna mess up so bad I can't ever show my face again around there =( Maybe I'm sick that day..

 Or take concerta and not be nervous at all =) I'm seriously gonna have to cut down a bit though cause otherwise my tolerance is getting higher and I'll need to take more and more. The good thing is that I snort it so it affects 3 times stronger than swallowing the pill.

Hope you're all good, much love<3

S