Can I use this as my research report?

Yeah I know that was a cheesy story. I don't want to forget it though, I got so much energy to go on from that experience. This blog is kinda like my diary anyway so bear with me haha. 
I feel lonely now, it's finally completely sank in that the person that was in my life for over a year making so much effort to get me to let him in, has now walked out of my life. I know it sounds ridiculous but in the back of my mind I had started to think we might actually end up together some day. Should've known that there simply isn't anyone who would put up with this hell in a human body, it seemed too good to be true anyway so I did have my guard up, I always do. 
Loneliness is the most loyal lover, isn't it? 

 

S

Critical path is the longest

So, Paris. 
The guy I'll be staying with I've only met once in real life. It was a dark and stormy night... hah no. I was in Lapland on a ski trip with people from uni and the last night after passing out on the sofa in our cabin (we had to drink a lot to keep warm okay) I woke up at like 10pm, took a quick shower and said to the only other girl still at the cabin that we're going to a bar now, haha. At the bar/club we were all having such a good time and I see this guy and I'm thinking damn, he's gorgeous. I noticed him because he was looking at me but I thought he couldn't actually be interested in me, I'm not that lucky. But then we started talking for a little and my memory is quite hazy in terms of what happened at the bar but then he said he was going to go to the restroom really quick and I thought it was just an excuse to get rid of me, haha. I went to dance with my friend and some random guy. He actually came back and he's told me later on that he was so disappointed when he saw me dancing with that other guy. I danced with him for quite a while and then at some point he said he was going to go talk to his friends because they were leaving. Again I thought he got tired of me so I went by my self-protection mechanism, moving on to something or someone else in a heartbeat so I wouldn't feel bad if he just disappeared on me. Well in a minute he came back and I was dancing on a podium so he held out his hand demanding me to come down and soon after we left the place to go to his cabin. I still don't understand how it's possible to connect with someone like that in such a short amount of time, and the fact that it was mutual.. We were electric. It was like one of those things you wouldn't ever expect to happen to you. We spent the night together and he's the best I've ever had. It was the first time I didn't want to leave right after. Our bus was leaving early the next morning though so I couldn't stay and sleep with him but we laid there for a long time, his head was on my chest and I stroked his hair. I love his hair, which he thinks is funny. I couldn't help staring at him and really we stared at each other a lot, he said he felt like an alien. He walked me all the way back to my cabin and we said goodbye eventually, I really thought that was it and I was prepared for it to be just another one night stand. Before he walked away he said "I didn't get to see the northern lights but it doesn't matter, this was just as great." We were texting for a while after that and then we kind of agreed to stop because it was frustrating missing each other. Obviously we started texting again later haha. I really like to sing and play the guitar and sometimes I record songs too, he's basically the only person I share those with. And now I'll get to see him again in the summer. He still calls me his northern light.

 

 

 

 Took this picture right before we left, the place is a real winter wonderland.

S

Why?

Maybe I'm not really ok. Waiting for the night to take me away, I want to sleep past tomorrow.

S

Love is made of scissors

So the hair situation is now fixed, thank god because it was hideous. Now it's more like a dark, ashy blond. 
Also, guys, 260 views yesterday! Wow :)
Right now I feel like I'm bouncing back pretty quickly from that stupid mess but maybe my emotional capacity is easy to restore because it's so limited already, ha. Approximately 3% of a normal person's I'd say. That's fine, I can't stand drama and god the end of our texting relationship was just that. So fucking draining. I guess with my emotional capacity I'm basically a zombie, but the feeling of getting over the bs already makes me feel a bit less like one. I guess the sun helps too *
At least I have some good stuff to look forward to! Planning my trip to Paris in August, I'll tell you guys more about that later because there's an awesome story behind the whole thing hah 

 

 

S

Because I have no excuse

Of course, we had to drag it along for a couple more days with that guy I mentioned earlier. We mostly just argued more. I truly did feel like we had something worth fighting for and I'm not going to go through anything that would prove that because right now I just feel stupid. I have nothing to say for myself I don't know how the whole thing happened, he was just the perfect person for me, saying all the right things. I'm sure most of you know what I mean. He wanted to come see me last fall and I was hesistant because it was just way too soon for me, I still didn't even care that much about him. Now that everything was falling apart he was saying he's a moron, he should've come and he fucked everything up by not doing anything. I don't know but I know this wasn't his fault, more like 70/30 my fault. I know I'm hard to handle, I'm a fucking mess and totally evil at times. I'm so good at verbally hitting where it hurts the most and I so easily get the feeling of being pushed into a corner.. The worst thing right now was that he didn't say anything to me yesterday even though I know he must've been awake before I went to sleep. I was just waiting for him to say something but when he didn't.. My last words to him before going to bed were "Silence screams the loudest I guess and I think this time it broke me. You broke me." 
I hope he doesn't reply, I don't want any explanations or apologies. I know he feels bad but right now it's unfixable. We're done. Why would I ever do that to myself and trust someone with my emotions when I definitely knew better.

 

Reminds me, I just finished driving school which takes forever here in Finland. I mean I've had my license for 1,5 years already but I've still had to complete all sorts of additional stages and shit. I'm getting my final license now though so yay

And also, these pictures that I'm using almost always come from weheartit , you can find me on there too :)

S

Calorie calculator results, helpful?

Maintenance:	1826 Calories/day
Weight Loss:	1461 Calories/day
Extreme Weight Loss:	1096 Calories/day

Should I try to aim between 1000 and 1500 on different days to avoid anxiety and throwing up? Or would I still start gaining weight..

Hope you guys are having an awesome weekend, I'm having the worst goddamn headache and the smart peson I am, I'm sitting at a computer screen.

S

Fuck Flowcharting

Everything's just kinda foggy right now, except for the noises coming from upstairs. I have to say I really like my apartment, I just hate my neighbors. It's weird, I think I've somehow gone off the rails a bit since I went to a party last night and was just talking with this group of people and looked at the guy on my left thinking oh, I fucked him too. I can't even seem remember all the people I've slept with lately, I don't care. Does that make me a whore? And why do they always try to keep talking and whatever, I wouldn't even think of spending the entire night with them. Also, I think I slept with someone's boyfriend last week. Ups. 
I stopped talking to this guy I met online a little over a year ago. I actually really cared about him but it was just too hard and we never even met in person. Somehow I did really emotionally connect with him, he was like the best person I've ever known but he lives so far away and there's no way we could be together right now. I feel totally rational about this now and it's weirdly liberating not talking to him anymore, it was so frustrating at times and he made me feel like I had the potential to be a better person, but I was everything he'd always wanted the way I am already. He took all the bs I threw at him, like ED and BPD stuff, yes, I told him about everything basically. I guess that's why I'm venting on here now, I don't have anyone else to talk to. I also don't care about being good anymore, in fact I'm horrible. I'm mean, manipulative, cold, I'm like a sociopath. Guess I sort of anchored what was left of my humanity to him.

Another thing, my hair is goddamn orange...... Any tips haha? + Aren't I elusive? :*

S

#tb

Right around this time last year, I graduated high school. However, what happened just a little bit before it could've ruined everything. Me and my childhood friend + our mothers went on a girls' trip to Estonia like we'd done a few times before and it was nice, me and my friend went out but didn't really even get drunk or anything we just celebrated her turning 18. The next morning we were in the boat terminal waiting to go back home and everything was fine until all of a sudden my eyes started rolling back in my head and I couldn't see. I saw flickering lights and then I was blinded, I didn't know what was happening to me. It was completely out of the blue and I didn't know how to react nor did I have time to figure it out because it resulted in a total blackout in a matter of about a minute. What I've been told is that I fell head first into the stone floor of the terminal and started spasming like I was having an epileptic seizure. That lasted about 3 minutes and because my head was split open, blood was everywhere. I was taken into the hospital by an ambulance and that's the point of when I'm starting to remember little bits and pieces, like how I stuck a needle in my finger because I wanted to do it yseld rather than have the paramedic do it :P Anyway, at the hospital they took some sort of an MRI of my head and soon enough they were stitching it without local anaesthesia. That hurt like a bitch to be honest and it was gross feeling the needle pierce my scalp to my skull. The worst part was still when they shaved my hair from the area, god I'm such a girl right? Thankfully the wound was in the back of my head so I didn't have a visible bald spot or anything but still, you guys understand. 

Obviously after we got back home we went through that neurologist circus with all of the possible tests and the result was that the alpha waves in my brain had something sketchy about them but that's it. No neurological answer to why I had a seizure, but let's be fair, I know exactly why it happened. My body simply couldn't take the effects that my mental bullshit had on it anymore. I have to say I loved going to the neurologist though, he was the sweetest and at the same time the coolest old man I've ever met. 

I often feel like I really want to start writing more on here again, but there's so much that's happened onto which everything that's currently happening is building on so everything would take a whole lot of explaining, or I could be totally mysterious and shit and just write everything that's on my mind even if it makes no sense to anyone else. I hope all of you reading this are doing well, this community has always had a place open for me and I carry the pain as well as the acceptance and sense of belonging with me. How does anyone ever recover from this when all of it is just so perfect? 

 

 

 

 

Even if I'm not wanted back,

S

48-49

I feel fine right now.