I made my first cuts in months last night.. I'd like to share this song with you, ufortunately it is in finnish but it's about a sad little fairy who passed away because of sadness and loneliness. We have a paradise here you could say, but some just don't see it that way. At some point the sorrow will find you and take you away..
It's just so beautiful. I'm sorry I haven't posted for a few days and I'd like to give you some pictures but going back to school as I suspected has been kinda rocky for me and today was the worst. I binged and purgeg TWO times aften I came home and smoked god knows how many cigarettes. After that I had to go to my ballet class so I took a little concerta and even though my pulse was super high and I was shaking, I managed to get through it. The best parts of my week at school are our dancing lessons we have for our "prom" and mostly because I like my partner a lot. I'm not used to a guy being nice to me for no reason, I mean of course he wouldn't want to go find another partner when we're this far in training but he's just nice and comfortable to be around which is kinda new too. Almost every time I've done anything with a guy I've been drunk and not specifically pround of that but I'm just so insecure. Anyway this is the exact moment when I start to get scared of getting too close which leads to anxiety which makes me shut down. I don't want him or anyone to get too close because then the fear of losing them would make me go crazy.. Like any bad thing you know will happen but you don't know when. I always mess things up and the best way to have normal human connections is to keep the people I care at least a little bit about, safely away from the crazy shit my mind keeps spinning around. It just bothers me that people might think that I don't want to get to know them when it's the exact oposite. If they knew me better they'd stay the hell away, and I'm just so tired of losing people. I know it shouldn't be this hard but for someone as twisted as me... I guess it's just all I know.
Love you and I'll promise to post pictures any time soon!
S
Chin up darling. I know the feeling of fearing losing someone to the point of avoiding have feelings for them. People always gone on about how its better to have loved and lost then to have never known love. But I personally would have preferred to never have had my heart broken, for it to still be okay.
ReplyDeleteI love you sweetheart </3
I know it's like the whole concept of love is so complicated and idk it just seems so hopeless like everything else and I just don't even wanna think about it because everytime I do, things start going terribly wrong.. :/ Love you too<3
Deletethinking that everything will be taken away from you is so scary way to live u cant think like that else ur doing what ur doing now panicking that things are gunna go wrong and your getting even more depressed about it
ReplyDeletehe wants to be your partner in the present and thats all you can think right now
love you so much honey
xx
exactly.. I just want to completely stop thinking so that I wouldn't get so anxious when I keep overthinking everything :( I just wanna maintain that comfortable feeling I have with him and I hope from the bottom of my heart that it stays that way..
DeleteLove you always<3
I love the song, thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteToo bad I'm not very good at translating songs or poems into english and you can't understand the lyrics but at least the melody is really beautiful :) xx
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