The break I took from my cycle of binging and purging proved me last night that I can purge again using my fingers. I see myself going back to that shit and I don't want to..Right now I'm not doing very well, though actually I haven't been well for ages. I'm trying to hold it together but that's just another thing I'm not good at. The exam week is tearing my nerves to shreds and I'm bouncing between a hysterical person and a zombie. Yesterday was terrible I couldn't wait to go home and cry but the tears wouldn't come out so I just sat outside smoking, wanting to die. Hopefully I won't wake up tomorrow.
So, the fact of the matter is that I can't purge the way I used to anymore. Anyhow I found out that the food comes up by itself so I basically just have to tense my abs and spit it out. How convenient.. and discusting. I went all the way up to 50 and now I'm back at 48, thank god. This morning my mum made me go up on the scale, but I cheated so it showed 50.5 and I don't think she's suspicious anymore :) Things are going pretty well atm but just wait till the exam week begins.. What comes to binging I made almost like a one-eighty and just stopped. You know I used to binge often and a lot, but now I barely binge with a piece of bread. Damn, couldn't get out all the broccoli I ate.. I really wanna dye my hair dark again for some reason but anyway, the dance lessons for prom ended and I hardly see my partner, nevermind talking to him and whatever, I don't even know what I want from him maybe we'll be better off as the "friends" we are now. Btw, how the hell do I lose my elephant thighs?? They're gross..See for yourselves.
Now I can honestly say that my whole life revolves around food. This whole thing is ruining everything for me :( I can't wait for the time when I'm living somewhere else and have no money for my bulimic asshole personality.. I'm still at 48Kgs but I seem to get fatter every time I look in the mirror? I hate life. At least now I'm through with most of my shcoolwork for this week. 3 speeches, 2 vocab quizes + all the stuff I can't remember and I still have a P.E test tomorrow testing my stamina while running. I feel like I could just faint right now but I went out for a smoke and haha I feel light headed =) Today I purged two times already and mom's gonna be home any minute now to cook me dinner. She's worried about me now and asking about my weight and I have given her absolutely no reason axcept for being tired but that's totally understandable, right? She wants to take me to a doctor to take a blood sample and shit like that, well I'm not going. I just wanna end this. Fly for a little while before crashing down.. Hearing from everybody how they've found a new guy or about their boyfriends they've been with for years makes me feel even more like a failure. I'm not good enough a woman to attract a man. Wondering how grossed out my dance partner probably is for having to touch my body and be so close to me. I just feel like I'm doing this all for nothing. No one even notices if I lose weight because I don't wear skin tight clothes and maybe because I haven't really lost that much weight. In conclusion, my life ain't worth shit. I'm off to EAT....
I made my first cuts in months last night.. I'd like to share this song with you, ufortunately it is in finnish but it's about a sad little fairy who passed away because of sadness and loneliness. We have a paradise here you could say, but some just don't see it that way. At some point the sorrow will find you and take you away..
It's just so beautiful. I'm sorry I haven't posted for a few days and I'd like to give you some pictures but going back to school as I suspected has been kinda rocky for me and today was the worst. I binged and purgeg TWO times aften I came home and smoked god knows how many cigarettes. After that I had to go to my ballet class so I took a little concerta and even though my pulse was super high and I was shaking, I managed to get through it. The best parts of my week at school are our dancing lessons we have for our "prom" and mostly because I like my partner a lot. I'm not used to a guy being nice to me for no reason, I mean of course he wouldn't want to go find another partner when we're this far in training but he's just nice and comfortable to be around which is kinda new too. Almost every time I've done anything with a guy I've been drunk and not specifically pround of that but I'm just so insecure.Anyway this is the exact moment when I start to get scared of getting too close which leads to anxiety which makes me shut down. I don't want him or anyone to get too close because then the fear of losing them would make me go crazy.. Like any bad thing you know will happen but you don't know when. I always mess things up and the best way to have normal human connections is to keep the people I care at least a little bit about, safely away from the crazy shit my mind keeps spinning around. It just bothers me that people might think that I don't want to get to know them when it's the exact oposite. If they knew me better they'd stay the hell away, and I'm just so tired of losing people.I know it shouldn't be this hard but for someone as twisted as me...I guess it's just all I know.
Love you and I'll promise to post pictures any time soon!
I've been trying to burn off all these damn calories I took in today, and yet I can't stop thinking about how much I wanna binge tomorrow after school when nobody's around =( I'm at least as much bulimic as I am anorexic.. I didn't purge today though so my poor throat got a day off. I've been trying to finish all the homework I got for last week and done some exercising but not enough :/ God, I bet you all know the feeling when you're watching tv or sth and there are all those beautiful, skinny, perfect girls and you just kinda get entranced comparing yourself to them and thinking why you can never be good enough even though you don't want to do that.. It's sucking the life out of me. I feel like I'm putting in so much effort but don't get anything back. I'm trying so hard but what is it even for? Failing almost everything I do.. it's a bad life. And I'm a pathetic loser, way to go!
I can't even begin to describe how much I hate myself right now.. I'm such a fat pig! Yesterday I ate a proper dinner and didn't purge, today I ate too much too, I'm right back at 49, even 50... Fuck my life and fuck me for not having any self-control at all =(
Such a horrible day. While my dad was downstairs I was puking in the sink upstairs.. I've become so careless I wasn't even thinking and hardly got any food out of my body, what a waste. I'm just a waste of a perfectly good shell of a human, cause the inside is pure crap. How can I live with myself? I shouldn't..
Tired, just really tired.. It's a struggle, what can I say. There was a time when I thought like if I should go see a psychiatrist or something, but let's face it, the only thing they can do is put me on some kind of meds and atm one of my friends is telling me that it's hell trying to quit depression meds.. Why would I wanna add another addiction to my life? No no no. all I need is for things to work out, for once, but who am I kidding that's not gonna happen =D I have this weird feeling that I'm missing something but I have no idea of what that could be and it's stressful =( I don't know what to do..
I'm so isolated right now.. 48,4 this morning :) I'm loving my sleep, that's the best part of my life seriously.. I hate this! I overthink all the time and when I start typing and trying to explain some of it- Nothing comes out? Frustrating =( Soo I threw up my breakfast(all of it wouldn't come up) and the three cups of coffee I dank after that I just couldn't handle it and I just ate like a bowl of salad. I'm keeping that in though but I'm scared of dinner-time ahead. I don't wanna throw up anymore today it just makes me sick, haha. Guess I'm just gonna flush it down the toilet, yeah, thanks a lot for dinner mom, the one you went to work for today... I feel so guilty I just wanna cry cause none of this is worth it anymore. I have to get away from here one way or another, but I still have another year to go in upper secondary school.. (btw am I supposed to put -'s between all the words in upper secondary school?) Stupid me, point proven.
Really I just wanna know. Will I ever be even close to normal again or is it gonna be this bullshit for the rest of my fucking life?! I'm so angry and at the same time I don't know what I am, so what the hell? Will people ever really care about me or are they gonna just use me and can I seriously keep dreaming about a better life when I'm not even living this one..
I'm so lost and far away.. No one to catch me and I keep falling so hard I've gone through the floor a million times already so where am I? All I know is that there's nobody else here..
