I see changes

Now if you're feelin' kinda low 'bout the dues you've been paying
Future's coming much too slow
And you wanna run but somehow you just keep on stayin'
Can't decide on which way to go

I understand about indecision
But I don't care if I get behind
People livin' in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind.

Now you're climbin' to the top of the company ladder
Hope it doesn't take too long
Can't cha see there'll come a day when it won't matter
Come a day when you'll be gone

I understand about indecision
But I don't care if I get behind
People livin' in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind.

Now everybody's got advice they just keep on givin'
Doesn't mean too much to me
Lot's of people out to make-believe they're livin'
Can't decide who they should be.

That song just describes so well the way I see things.

You know how you sometimes think about how different your life was a year ago. 

I feel like my like has been exactly the same for a long, long time. 

It's a weird night, I was just outside hanging out with people who live in the same rowhouse and it was fun :) I also just posted a picture on facebook with no make-up on. No regrets yet, it seems I'm breaking my limits. Maybe my life can actually change after all? I'm trying to gain some weight, 44 or 45 would be good for me, and 45 was my goalweight in the first place so I could reach that again, right? Hope it won't take as long as the last time.

 

S

Where Am I?

I've got a whole week off from school and yeah, it's me and the food in the house. I've been binging, surprise surprise, but I only purge an average of 3 to 4 times a day, which I guess is relatively not that bad. But the again seeing it relatively not that bad just shows how twisted my perspective in the matter is..

I think that I'm finally over X right now. As much as I can be. I know you guys probably hate hearing about him, but he's been messing with my head a lot as you know, and that will always stay with me. That was the last time I ever let myself be vulnerable like that for someone to come and destroy me. Being in the same class in school with him for 3 years and I just honestly didn't have it coming.. If I'd met him at a party for just a whee bit of time, I probably wouldn't even had looked twice at him. I mean, he's a total asshole. But at shool it was just that kind of alternating thing between us and I grew to get attached to him. I think I would've been just fine if he hadn't let it go that far, because obviously he was the one with lesser feelings. All in all I just wish I'd had more closure to this. 

And I know how it seems like I'm not over him at all because I still keep rambling on about him, well, the fact is that no matter what, I'll never be able to forgive him. I don't hate him, in fact I don't hate anybody. I have a philosophy that I can't hate anyone that I don't know entirely. I know no one entirely, and the closest I can possibly come to knowing someone entirely is me. That just means that I'm the one I can come the closest to hating.. Great.

Anyway, what comes to X, I just hope I never see him again or have to deal with him in any way. I just want to get the hell away from this little shitty town and these people, some of them are absolutely great though, but I need a new beginning. Just can't deal with the same places and the same places that all remind me of things I want to forget.

I'm starting to feel like I've ruined my body. I wish I had bigger boobs, and my jeans are constantly getting too big for me. I have no ass either. I don't even look like a woman anymore. I don't want to believe that I'm the girl in the pictures in the previous post. I also just found out from a friend that people are talking about me at school saying stuff like there's nothing left of me anymore. That honestly scares me.. I don't want to be this anymore. I have no idea of what this is, which is what makes recovering so difficult, if not impossibe. I just checked my BMI and I have the feeling that my heart has dropped on the bottom of my stomach. 14.8.

How did it get this far?

                                             Too late, my time has come
                                             Sends shivers down my spine
                                             Body's aching all the time
                                             Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
                                             Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
                                             Mama, I don't want to die
                                             Sometimes wish I'd never been born at all..

S

But the devil made me

I've heard that 75% of those who seek help because of an eating disorder, die.

I don't want help, I just want to not be sick anymore. I want to be the healthy skinny girl. I want to get out of my house and not be scared to establish realionships with people and I want to FEEL something, something positive.

How many times can I take feeling disappointed in myself anymore? I'm guessing not that many. Why does life have to be such a series of ugly, unfortunate events..

I look around, I see nothing beautiful. I see selfishness, consuption, war, pollution, hate, pain, humans but no humanity.. Still I'm here 

whining about all this. Life is such a trap!

Not only is it unbearable, sometimes addictive, but so hard to let go of. 

I'd say it's geniously planned. 

I don't want to stop being who I am now, but I want it to stop being so difficult. People are telling me how thin I am and that I must eat. I had a meeting with our school nurse and as always, I lied. She booked me another meeting, but I cancelled. I actually don't want to be this skinny. I'ts never going to make me like myself, no matter how much weight I lose, trust me I know that. I have no motivation or reason to stop because in a way, 

this is keeping me safe. 

This morning I hopped on the scale after a few days' pause and it read 42.8KGs.

I don't want to lose more weight :( 45 would be okay with me and while purging I think about how I shouldn't throw everything up because I don't have to. Well...

Can't say that that would've helped. On top of that I feel terrible about wasting that food when people don't have enough to eat in some parts of the world. This disease in its entirety is just so cruel. Besides, it's not just about the eating disorder anyways. 

I'm as fucked up as can be. 

I can't even believe that I could be attractive to men, but at least I've learned pretty well to dodge anything getting to a point where they'd be asking me if I want to be their girlfriend. I feel obnoxious and cocky saying that cause it makes me sound like a player, but I just don't want to hurt anyone. And I believe that's all I have to give. One night stands are all I can do and I just can't see myself as anybody's girlfriend. 

What a punishment would that be to a guy.

I'm all done with my history and swedish finals and waiting for the results. I probably failed, as always, and I just feel numb about the whole thing. 

I have no idea what I'm going to do if I fail. AGAIN.

It's eating me alive

 

 

 

 

 

 

 More like impossible.

 =my future

 

 

 

 

 

What for? 

S

Useless, pointless, me

Waiting for death isn't nice. Especially when you have no idea of when it's coming. No signs of relief. I'm tired and drowning in my thoughts and I need blog-theraphy. Hope my english isn't too rusty to understand but I'm doing my best. Today was okay, like everyday, cause somehow everything keeps going and I've been so comfortably numb for a long time. Then, sudden anxiety, and I just wanna let go of it all.. I don't want this. I'm really confused and I never do enough. I should be studying right now but I can't concentrate and feel like an absolute loser, I should somehow be saving the world and consume less, be less selfish. I should be helping all the people who aren't doing as well as I am in life, I should be thinking about my future and making plans more efficiently, I need to get my driving licence because I just want to be done with that. Every time I go to a driving lesson I should be better and I'm not. Every time I look into the mirror it's all the same and it doesn't matter. Life sucks. How does everyone cope with not being good enough, or do they even feel it? Why am I wrong?

S

A Bubble Made For One

Jesus.. Well hell I'm more like a buddhist now, not officially yet though, but trust me I'm so going to need the meditation to sort my head out. And even if that doesn't happen I might not explode on the people around me so much.. I really like the fact that Buddhism is actually not really a religion :) Anyway, I've been really caught up with EVERYTHING. This has been everything but a holiday for me and frankly I'm just waiting for school to start cause I wanna be done with it as fast as possible. I wanna be done with all of this, this crappy little town and these people. Me being the worst of all, don't get me wrong. I'm not sure how it's going to effect me seeing X again every day, for the first period, after that he goes back to the other school. I just hope that him being around doesn't mess up my exams even the tiniest little bit. I have so mych shit to do and I can't handle it all I just want to give up, but I'm hanging in there somehow. My parents won't stop talking about how skinny I am and it's just irritating. It's weird how all my diseases have grown into me so strongly that they've eaten up everything else. I refuse to think that there's anything abnormal about me and what I'm doing isn't normal. It's a routine and even though I know, deep deep down, that I'm not okay, I hate it when other people think it's okay to comment on the way I live or what I'm doing wrong. I feed on the negative stuff that comes up to me cause inside, there's nothing positive left. No place for the good stuff to go, so it bounces off me. I live in a bubble, and it's made for

 one. 

 

S

p.s. So sorry for neglecting you guys <3

Leaving me behind

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I really have no idea what to say.

 S

101, 44,2, 18

I've written a hundred posts. I'm completely clueless and actually terrified what comes to my "future", if there in fact is anything at all. I'm so wrapped up in this sickening condition that I've lost most of the real me. Just being around people makes me really anxious and I don't let anyone get close to me. Nobody knows me. I want to feel safe with someone but I always get caught up at that point where I'd have to let them near me. Losing weight only gives me some kind of satisfaction and ease, but it doesn't really make me feel better. It doesn't make me feel good about the way I look. This is NOT beauty. 

All the weight I lose feeds the monster within. I still have that survival instinct, 

but I'm just really tired. Perfectionism is eating me alive. 

Tomorrow I'm turning 18. 

Can't believe I made it this far. 

 

 

 

 

Yours,

S

 

No relief

Fuck me. All I can do is binge and purge.. I'd probably be getting my period if that was possible cause this always happened before getting my period. I felt so sick today I actually just went to bed but couldn't sleep. My dad's drinking again tonight and I can't believe how stupid that makes him. I hate this place! I need to get away 

I'm no sure at all how I'm gonna make it through one more year.. 

How is it possible that I don't hate X after all he's done to me? I keep seeing him around and that just sucks. Apparently he's told everyone we had sex, I mean, what the fuck? He said "let's not tell anyone". That made me feel worthless as shit and my first thought was obviously that he was embarassed of doing it with me. Then after all this time I find out that a lot of people know about that and that he's told them. What the fuck? Now it just makes me feel cheap. I hate him. I wish I did anyway..  

Don't even have that much strenght in me to hate him, pathetic. 

The number on the scale was 44.1. So what? It doesn't make me happy it's just a fucking illusion. It makes me even more wacky trying to stay there and I'm so desperate that's all I can think about anymore and I keep losing weight unintentionally. The real question is, 

how long can I keep doing this?

 

 

 

 

 I need it, I crave it, I want it so bad..

 

 

 

 

I just feel so bad..

I want to live again.

But I guess I'm just not made for that.

This is only going to end when I'm no longer able to change myself for the better.

It will end when I die.

S