I've heard that 75% of those who seek help because of an eating disorder, die.
I don't want help, I just want to not be sick anymore. I want to be the healthy skinny girl. I want to get out of my house and not be scared to establish realionships with people and I want to FEEL something, something positive.
How many times can I take feeling disappointed in myself anymore? I'm guessing not that many. Why does life have to be such a series of ugly, unfortunate events..
I look around, I see nothing beautiful. I see selfishness, consuption, war, pollution, hate, pain, humans but no humanity.. Still I'm here
whining about all this. Life is such a trap!
Not only is it unbearable, sometimes addictive, but so hard to let go of.
I'd say it's geniously planned.
I don't want to stop being who I am now, but I want it to stop being so difficult. People are telling me how thin I am and that I must eat. I had a meeting with our school nurse and as always, I lied. She booked me another meeting, but I cancelled. I actually don't want to be this skinny. I'ts never going to make me like myself, no matter how much weight I lose, trust me I know that. I have no motivation or reason to stop because in a way,
this is keeping me safe.
This morning I hopped on the scale after a few days' pause and it read 42.8KGs.
I don't want to lose more weight :( 45 would be okay with me and while purging I think about how I shouldn't throw everything up because I don't have to. Well...
Can't say that that would've helped. On top of that I feel terrible about wasting that food when people don't have enough to eat in some parts of the world. This disease in its entirety is just so cruel. Besides, it's not just about the eating disorder anyways.
I'm as fucked up as can be.
I can't even believe that I could be attractive to men, but at least I've learned pretty well to dodge anything getting to a point where they'd be asking me if I want to be their girlfriend. I feel obnoxious and cocky saying that cause it makes me sound like a player, but I just don't want to hurt anyone. And I believe that's all I have to give. One night stands are all I can do and I just can't see myself as anybody's girlfriend.
What a punishment would that be to a guy.
I'm all done with my history and swedish finals and waiting for the results. I probably failed, as always, and I just feel numb about the whole thing.
I have no idea what I'm going to do if I fail. AGAIN.
It's eating me alive
More like impossible.
=my future
What for?
S
I never went to treatment. I never even really went to counseling for it. When it came up, I managed to skirt away from the issue because what if I wanted it back? Maybe I would need it for later. I got better after an epiphany and deciding I hated my life and myself and hated restricting. Got better, then later came. It's awful. It's like it gets worse every time you relapse. Getting better is worth it. I don't know why, but you appreciate life more. There's not a day I don't still struggle a little, and some days it's barely there or others, like today, I want to peel my skin off. The only thing I know is that sometimes reaching this rock bottom feeling makes it easier for better things. I hate reading how hurting you are and just know that I'm thinking of you. It's bitter, it's ugly, it's cruel, but if you want out, you find your way eventually.
ReplyDeleteHuge hugs and thinking of you <3
Getting better sounds so good but I don't even know what it really even means for me. I've gotten "better" two times a few years ago, and as you said, the relapsing part was truly horrible. Falling back to all those things that had already started to feel so distant, and before I could even really think about what I was doing it all had become a routine all over again. I mean, life isn't so hard at the moment, but everything's so numbing and I don't know why. I don't really even miss having people around me, I prefer talking to them via phone and facebook and I see them at school everyday so it's not like I'm a complete hermit :D Life just seems so meaningless most of the time.. Thanks for commenting and hugs to you too<3 It means a lot that you'd waste your time showing you care :)
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DeleteI hope you won't relapse :( i really do.. And I sure as hell know what tiring is.. Thank you for saying that<3 I'd love to talk and I'll definitely add your address and then delete your comment so everyone won't see it(=
Deleteihmiset on kauhistellu sitä miten pieni oot, vaikka oot varmaa tietonen siitä. Oot todella laiha, en voi väittää etten kadehtis.
ReplyDeleteMut jos et haluu mihinkään hoitoon, voit pyytää multa apuu jos vaan voin mitenkään auttaa <3
Ai muutki ku ne jotka sanoo siitä suoraan mulle? :o
DeleteOis kiva olla hoikka, nyt multa alkaa kadota jo kaikki inhimilliset piirteet :/
Tää ei vaan tunnu hyvältä..
Kiitos oot ihana ja muista et tää menee myös toisinpäin<3