Where Am I?

I've got a whole week off from school and yeah, it's me and the food in the house. I've been binging, surprise surprise, but I only purge an average of 3 to 4 times a day, which I guess is relatively not that bad. But the again seeing it relatively not that bad just shows how twisted my perspective in the matter is..

I think that I'm finally over X right now. As much as I can be. I know you guys probably hate hearing about him, but he's been messing with my head a lot as you know, and that will always stay with me. That was the last time I ever let myself be vulnerable like that for someone to come and destroy me. Being in the same class in school with him for 3 years and I just honestly didn't have it coming.. If I'd met him at a party for just a whee bit of time, I probably wouldn't even had looked twice at him. I mean, he's a total asshole. But at shool it was just that kind of alternating thing between us and I grew to get attached to him. I think I would've been just fine if he hadn't let it go that far, because obviously he was the one with lesser feelings. All in all I just wish I'd had more closure to this. 

And I know how it seems like I'm not over him at all because I still keep rambling on about him, well, the fact is that no matter what, I'll never be able to forgive him. I don't hate him, in fact I don't hate anybody. I have a philosophy that I can't hate anyone that I don't know entirely. I know no one entirely, and the closest I can possibly come to knowing someone entirely is me. That just means that I'm the one I can come the closest to hating.. Great.

Anyway, what comes to X, I just hope I never see him again or have to deal with him in any way. I just want to get the hell away from this little shitty town and these people, some of them are absolutely great though, but I need a new beginning. Just can't deal with the same places and the same places that all remind me of things I want to forget.

I'm starting to feel like I've ruined my body. I wish I had bigger boobs, and my jeans are constantly getting too big for me. I have no ass either. I don't even look like a woman anymore. I don't want to believe that I'm the girl in the pictures in the previous post. I also just found out from a friend that people are talking about me at school saying stuff like there's nothing left of me anymore. That honestly scares me.. I don't want to be this anymore. I have no idea of what this is, which is what makes recovering so difficult, if not impossibe. I just checked my BMI and I have the feeling that my heart has dropped on the bottom of my stomach. 14.8.

How did it get this far?

                                             Too late, my time has come
                                             Sends shivers down my spine
                                             Body's aching all the time
                                             Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
                                             Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
                                             Mama, I don't want to die
                                             Sometimes wish I'd never been born at all..

S