51,7Kgs

First of all I can't assure you that I'm gonna start posting regularly again, I'm so sorry for that. What I really need to say is that I love all of you who read my blog, especially English Rose, TinyRose,  you bring some brightness into my life when I feel totally hopeless. Thank you<3 I feel terrible because I haven't been there for any of you for a while I'm so sorry =( My life has been quite hectic and I feel like I haven't really achieved anything worth writing about. I don't think anything about me is worth writing about.. But I do this because it's some kind of therapy for me and I've noticed the effect of not posting in quite a long time. I had a really good period of not cutting but I couldn't resist it anymore :( The only positive side is that I have to wear long sleeved shirts all the time anyway because of the coldness. I'm struggling with my english a bit right now =D School is going pretty well atm except for the fact that it's sucking all the life out of me. And so is my mumwho is constantly telling me how lazy I am and piling on stuff I should do.. I feel like I need to proof myself to her so I wouldn't be a total piece of shit to her. She takes all her anger out on me and I do the same to her, though I usually keep all my anger inside of me. Well anyway since I stopped posting I've been using drugs more and more, I hardly go a day without anymore. It's a little bit disturbing even to me, but it's my way of coping. The last time I was at a party I drank, smoked hash, marijuana and snorted concerta(ADHD pills). Concerta is what I usually do cause it's the easiest thing to get my hands on. It helps me get along with my friends and people in common. I'm taking 9 vitamin pills evey day and I haven't gone to the gym in months.. I'm just terrified because I feel so fat and lazy and everyone's going to stare at me and there might be people I know there. How pathetic is that? The word pathetic describes me all too well anyway. I had a few days of limitless binging and purging till my throat bled. I should have realised right then that I was gonna have my period. I hate that. Otherwise my eating has gone pretty well, but it's no surprise that I'm still fat. I have so much on my plate atm and I'm fighting so many addictions at the same time.. I feel like I'm going nowhere no matter how much I work for things to get better. So I'm thinking, what if it never gets better? What if I'm always stuck like this? I've been in this vicious circle for so many years now that I know that if all these bad things ever give me any space, they hit a hundred times worse when they do. They haven't been giving me much space during the last few years though.. I have no idea how I got this much text together and no one is probably gonna read this shit anyway, but if you care, this is my way of showing I'm not dead. At least medically, just inside :) I'm an awful person and I hope I haven't lost all of you guys due to my absence.

Here's some pictures if you care

Love you<3

S