Tired as hell and falling apart

School is killing me.. I'm sorry I've been so absent :( I'd really need to write about this stuff cause I can't let it out in any other way.. Yesterday was the end of my exam week and today we started a new period at my school. I'm already exhausted and I have so many other things piled on ..I can't take this :/ I'm thinking more and more about suicide and stuff but thank god I'm getting more concerta sometime soon. I'm eating frozen corn haha :D It's good and we don't really have anything else healthy in the house. I have my ballet class today and even though I just feel like sleeping and I have a terrible headache, I'm gonna go. I don't like leaving our house anymore and I barely see my friends. After school I hurry home so no one will see me cry, and then I maybe binge a bit, then purge of course.. Just a minute ago, the number on the scale was 50,1Kgs, I actually saw the number 49 before it settled :) And I have to say this English Rose, TinyRose, I don't know how you guys put up with me, but the fact that I know you're there means so much to me and I love you =) Anyway I still have loads of homework to do.. Such a horrible day. I hope you all are doing better than I am

You are all important don't forget that <3

 

S

P.S

 I love this song

 

I've taken the darker way

Sweet lips, intoxicating
Sultry eyes that stare, waiting
To lure the hungry heart
Into a deadly trap

Innocent and pure, it seems
On both of us the shadow feeds
Perverted are its needs
But it seems we have no choice

Sweet eyes, so warm
So pure, the love they offer
Still free of all the filth
That turns hearts into debris
If love must fail
Then lust sure will prevail
And when both fall
Hate will conquer all

If I can't give, I'll take
Accept this fate, be fueled by my hate
At least I know
It's always there for me
I fear no death
No foe can ever match me
Yet you could break me leaving only confusion

Sweet eyes, once pure
Just like the love they offered
Now stay devoted to the path of seduction

Made up your mind
Held back the warmth in your eyes
Are you prepared?
This road might be your destruction

My flesh, my heart
My soul adorned by a scar
They're still all mine until my dying day

I've crossed the line
It is too late for me now
You did me in, I've taken the darker way

I'm so tired and yesterday was terrible.. I ate and purged like idk how many times..

My stomach is raw and it hurts, but afterall it was worth it. Now I weigh 50,5 =)

I'm thinking how great it would be to fall into a coma and maybe wake up later and remember nothing about my past life. Start over, cause I think now I'm cursed to think about my eating the rest of my life. Hating myself. I'm settled on my deadline of 25 years of this life. That means I've got 8 years left.. I want to be free. Maybe I'll be free in death.

This one guy I barely know decided he wants to help me cause he knows I'm troubled. I don't like the idea. He says he just wants to find some humanity in me, but he's doing the exact opposite I think. I'm frustrated and anxious about him trying to help me and I have absolutely no idea why he'd want to do that anyway. It's hard for me to imagine that anyone would like me, but if he does, he's gonna be really disappointed when he realises I'm playing with him like I always do. Don't think I haven't warned him though.. I'm a total monster. My heart can't be broken into any smaller pieces so I torture other people. Really I just want to stay away from all of them, but if they try to get close.... Well then they basically ask for it, to be hurt and pushed away. I love playing mind games. To be honest, the boy doesn't stand a chance. I don't trust anyone anymore and that's what keeps me alive at the end of the day, because it would kill me to get hurt again like how I've gotten hurt before.

I shouldn't be alive. If there's a god, please just take me away..

 

 

 

Who am I now?

 

S

And you give yourself away..

I deleted X from my facebook friends.. Kinda childish but it was just too disturbing to see him on the chat every time I log in.. He's not going to be my partner at our school dance, he's too busy with school. Well anyway I got a new partner the same day he cancelled so.. Whatever. I just want him out of my life :/  Took quite a lot of concerta cause we had our music performance in front of our whole school today.. I was scared to death but by the time we were on stage I was relaxed enough and it went well I think :) How are you people?? I've been so busy with hating myself, purging and all the things we have to do for school that I haven't posted for days.. I already miss you guys </3 

I've lost too many people in too short time, the smallest things effect me so thatI just want to cry and I hate it.. Especially at school. I'm can't seriously be this weak :( I'm glad to say that I don't think many people hate me atm though.. 

I don't know what to say my head feels so empty and my life is basically based on my daily routines but I don't feel alive at all anymore. I'm just here.. you know?

Dead inside, but breathing..

(Y)

S

Keep Walking Towards Sunrise

Today I spent the whole day in Helsinki at a seminar about holocaust and antisemitism. It was a part of my history course and quite interesting to be honest. I'm so tired right now and going to bed. I ate so many ricecakes and a lot of salad today and my periods started.. I'm so fat but when they're over I'm hoping to be a bit lighter :) Still 51,7.. Fat piece of shit, that's all I have to say. Don't have much friends, don't have anyone actually. I kinda like being home alone but some moments I realise just how lonely I am. I'd hate it if all this suffering was in vain, so I've decided I'm gonna make something out of myself. I'm gonna do and say things other people are afraid to do and say, because I don't have much to lose. I don't have much to love either, and there's even less to love about me. Anyway, I want to be good at something. Just something. Why won't the universe cut me any slack? And now I'm forgetting all the things I should be grateful for. But seriously, my message to all of you young people is, all due respect, to get to know our history. It's really important and I feel like the youth of today doesn't really give a shit about something that doesn't concern them at the moment. This brings us to making all the same terrible mistakes again, and we end up asking how the hell this happened. It's easy to be fooled if you don't know anything about what's going on..

Well enough with the lecture, have a good rest of the weekend everyone =)

Sending you my love( and my enthusiasm to make a change in our society ;)

<3

 

 

S

Not one nice thing

I can barely keep my eyes open.. I'm just tired and I'm sure you all know what I mean. I need a change, I don't want to be here. These people make me sick. Not like there's anything wrong with them, just me. It's in me. All of it. And it sucks going back to things in my head and realising that what I thought all along was someone elses fault, is actually mine. When I feel like someone did something to hurt me, I either deserved it, or did something to cause it myself. I'm the root of all evil.. And I'm gonna need a shitload of concerta for the weekend to keep my appetite away. We're going to see my two grandmothers who both live in central finland. Don't get me wrong I love them but they always have so much food to offer and when there really isn't much to do it's easy making stupid mistakes like filling myself up to my ears with all the bad stuff.. or any stuff. I can't afford to eat anything. Today I've had: two cups of coffee, blueberries with a little bit of vanilla sauce, 1½ pieces of bread.. I'm so glad all of you didn't abandon me because of my break in posting, thank you it means a lot<3

 

 

 

 

 I don't know if you would call it a war though, because

the bad side is clearly winning..

 

 I'm gonna play with our school music group in front of the whole school next thursday.. I'm terrified already. I hate performing. I hate people looking at me. I'm gonna mess up so bad I can't ever show my face again around there =( Maybe I'm sick that day..

 Or take concerta and not be nervous at all =) I'm seriously gonna have to cut down a bit though cause otherwise my tolerance is getting higher and I'll need to take more and more. The good thing is that I snort it so it affects 3 times stronger than swallowing the pill.

Hope you're all good, much love<3

S

Silly Girl, Nobody Cares 'Till You Die..

Hello beauties, I hope you're well :)

I'm awfully tired and I have a million things to do.. I was extraordinarily ugly at school today and I felt like everyone was looking at me and judging. I have a ballet class today but it's been over 2 weeks since I was there last and my anxiety keeps growing. I'm so out of place in the middle of those skinny, beautiful, graceful girls. I'm so clumsy you wouldn't believe it. I'm starting to think, what the hell am I doing there anyway.. I'm all out of energy already and I haven't really even done anything. Guess mum's right, I am a total lazy piece of shit.

Well I haven't talked to X much.. The last time our conversation ended when I told him to have a good life and he was like: Don't do this now...

I know I would be so much better off without him, but I can't seem to let go. What the hell is wrong with me? Besides everything about me..

It's good not seeing him every day anymore, but I have absolutely no idea what's gonna happen with prom :/ Idk if I'm even doing it anymore. The whole mess just left a bad taste in my mouth.

God I just wish I was someone else..

 xx

S

51,7Kgs

First of all I can't assure you that I'm gonna start posting regularly again, I'm so sorry for that. What I really need to say is that I love all of you who read my blog, especially English Rose, TinyRose,  you bring some brightness into my life when I feel totally hopeless. Thank you<3 I feel terrible because I haven't been there for any of you for a while I'm so sorry =( My life has been quite hectic and I feel like I haven't really achieved anything worth writing about. I don't think anything about me is worth writing about.. But I do this because it's some kind of therapy for me and I've noticed the effect of not posting in quite a long time. I had a really good period of not cutting but I couldn't resist it anymore :( The only positive side is that I have to wear long sleeved shirts all the time anyway because of the coldness. I'm struggling with my english a bit right now =D School is going pretty well atm except for the fact that it's sucking all the life out of me. And so is my mumwho is constantly telling me how lazy I am and piling on stuff I should do.. I feel like I need to proof myself to her so I wouldn't be a total piece of shit to her. She takes all her anger out on me and I do the same to her, though I usually keep all my anger inside of me. Well anyway since I stopped posting I've been using drugs more and more, I hardly go a day without anymore. It's a little bit disturbing even to me, but it's my way of coping. The last time I was at a party I drank, smoked hash, marijuana and snorted concerta(ADHD pills). Concerta is what I usually do cause it's the easiest thing to get my hands on. It helps me get along with my friends and people in common. I'm taking 9 vitamin pills evey day and I haven't gone to the gym in months.. I'm just terrified because I feel so fat and lazy and everyone's going to stare at me and there might be people I know there. How pathetic is that? The word pathetic describes me all too well anyway. I had a few days of limitless binging and purging till my throat bled. I should have realised right then that I was gonna have my period. I hate that. Otherwise my eating has gone pretty well, but it's no surprise that I'm still fat. I have so much on my plate atm and I'm fighting so many addictions at the same time.. I feel like I'm going nowhere no matter how much I work for things to get better. So I'm thinking, what if it never gets better? What if I'm always stuck like this? I've been in this vicious circle for so many years now that I know that if all these bad things ever give me any space, they hit a hundred times worse when they do. They haven't been giving me much space during the last few years though.. I have no idea how I got this much text together and no one is probably gonna read this shit anyway, but if you care, this is my way of showing I'm not dead. At least medically, just inside :) I'm an awful person and I hope I haven't lost all of you guys due to my absence.

Here's some pictures if you care

Love you<3

S