I feel the need to walk away

The worst thing is knowing it won't get better tomorrow, or the day after that.

 

-S

Let my fears take flight

 My body at the moment.. God I hate that my stomach now looks grossly protruding

Sorry for the phone quality

S

You can bury my body in the back yard

This is not the perfect start for a recovery.. I'm at 45-46KGs and all bloated thanks to my period. I don't like the way my body looks in the mirror, and it sucks since I'd just learned to live with it. At 43KGs I didn't really feel fat or insecure anymore. I felt okay, and now.. Well let's just say I've already reached my absolute limit. For now I'll try to get comfortable with 45 but this is going to be such a struggle, so I'm going for a run.

 S

I don't think she's okay

Wow, 85 hits yesterday. Thanks guys I appreciate my readers(= I hope that my blog has made even just one person feel less alone with their problems, or at least made people feel less bad about their own issues.

Ugh, right now I'm in the middle of my final exams and I can't wait to be done with high school.. I'm well on my way with my entrance exam books already and I've sent my applications as well. Somehow the oncoming spring has made me feel like a different person in terms of hopefulness and being able to make plans for the future. Even if for just a few feeks ahead. Nevertheless I still feel like my thoughts are going backwards really slowly. I've managed to stay at 45KGs for about two weeks now and I'm pleased with that. I'm not as cold all the time and I feel more capable in general. That doesn't change the fact that I look fat. I'll just have to try to put up with it to see if I could adjust. Btw the thing with the army guy has kinda dried up now. Whatever, not like I was expecting him to be prince charming, but I did like talking to him. Everyone likes the attention every now and then, and since I'm incapable of establishing good relationships, I go for the short-time stuff. Even just for one night. Developing feelings is not a goal for me because getting close to someone to me feels like waiting for them to start treating me badly. I can't even imagine a scenario where I would be happy with someone for a long time. I'm still talking to that guy with a girlfriend.. Maybe that's why karma blew my chances with the army guy, hah. Whatever, right now I feel fine by myself.

 

 

S

Good night, good morning, I won't be sleeping

Ugh.. I feel like saying I like someone makes the whole thing go up in flames, every time. But if I didn't put my feelings into words, would they be real anyway? I can be good with words but they can also be the iceberg to my titanic. Still haven't watched the whole movie actually, but sinking was the main point, right? I had a dream where I had put on some weight and was happy about it until everyone else made a huge deal out of it like it was a punishment I deserved. I don't even want to go onto the scale. Whatever. I have to stuuuuudy 

 

 Btw, we have this song in Finnish that says "It's just life.." and I was thinking that maybe I should try living it instead of feeling so damn sorry for myself. 

S

Folding

Do not talk to him again until he talks to you first. Don't. The military guy I mentioned in my last post, I feel like something has changed. But I don't want to make any assumptions. It shouldn't even make any difference to me because we're nothing really. He's destroyed two phones in a month and we can't talk pretty much at all during the week anymore. The conversation's drying up and I hate it. It's worked so well this far because I've been able to keep my negativity at bay. He's always come up with something to say even though he's not great with words and my mood has been balanced on the neutral thanks to him. Now I have this bad feeling in my gut and I really didn't need that right now. I had a really bad night this thursday and I was giving suicide some serious thought once again. I feel like I'm slowly sinking into cement and if I can't get out soon, I'll get stuck. Breathing gets harder and not worth the while. My mood changes so drastically between the opposite ends of the scale.and it makes me feel unstable. Just another state of illness to add to my list. I just don't understand why some people seem to be all bad like me.. Rotten

 

 

 S

I kiss with my eyes open

Saturday night.. I went to my friend's housewarming party and it was kinda weird. Made friends with the neighbour and went there to hang out with a bunch of guys. My friend was a bit mad and he's said something about liking me more than a friend but I don't really want any of that so I just pretend it didn't happen. Anyway before we went to our local bar with the boys, I went to check the first party and it was getting even weirder and someone was already throwing up. I left when people started yelling. Ended up kissing with a 24-year-old university guy for the whole night, well practically we were having sex with clothes on.. Stayed at that because we didn't have any place to go. He gave me his name so I could add him on facebook and even though I first wasn't going to, I did the next day because he was really nice and I would've felt even more like a whore if I hadn't.. I was texting with a guy that I might actually like at the same time I was with the other guy, and on top of that I've been sexting with a guy who's in a relationship. I'm a horrible person. And I think I'm only good at one night stands. Couldn't handle a relationship and don't even want one. Maybe because I feel trapped with this relationshit I'm having with myself. No escape as you all know. I never want to hurt anybody even though I'm definitely playing games with people.. There's also this guy who's really nice and always strikes up conversation and invites me to parties and stuff. And X who was a big influence in me becoming like this with men. I never want to put my hope and expectations on a specific guy so I have this habit of getting to know them for a while and finding out if I want anything from them. Then when it gets boring I give them enough crap so that at the end of the day they'll be almost relieved to get rid of me. How twisted is that. Can' get close with anyone. The guy I might like is in the military right now and will be for a long time. We haven't actually met in a long time but we might do that sometime when he's on the holidays. I just don't wanna fuck it up, although I know I will. I fail at everything really, like atm I feel like finals are going so badly. Probably won't get a place to study anywhere and fall down the rabbit hole. Cya there bitches! ;) Love you allways

 

 

S

I think I'll go to sleep now

Wow it's been a long time since I last posted something. Even I don't know where I've been all this time but it's been, well, not bad. So X is at my school again. Haven't said a word to him and for once I can be proud of myself for how I've handled the situation with him. There's actually this one guy I've been talking to for a while now but I'm not really expecting too much of it. Our last coversation also kinda ended on a bad note so I'm not quite sure if he'll even talk to me again. Nothing too bad but still, you never know. My weight has been exactly the same this whole time and I don't even want to think about it. As long as I don't lose any more weight I'll be fine. Things have been okay for some while now and even though I'm so glad that high school is almost over, the pressure is getting a hold of me and I'm scared. I can't take any more crying myself to sleep or this feeling of the emptiness in my life possibly being filled with something bad. I sense it coming though.. It's getting hard to breath

 

 

 

 

 

S