I kiss with my eyes open

Saturday night.. I went to my friend's housewarming party and it was kinda weird. Made friends with the neighbour and went there to hang out with a bunch of guys. My friend was a bit mad and he's said something about liking me more than a friend but I don't really want any of that so I just pretend it didn't happen. Anyway before we went to our local bar with the boys, I went to check the first party and it was getting even weirder and someone was already throwing up. I left when people started yelling. Ended up kissing with a 24-year-old university guy for the whole night, well practically we were having sex with clothes on.. Stayed at that because we didn't have any place to go. He gave me his name so I could add him on facebook and even though I first wasn't going to, I did the next day because he was really nice and I would've felt even more like a whore if I hadn't.. I was texting with a guy that I might actually like at the same time I was with the other guy, and on top of that I've been sexting with a guy who's in a relationship. I'm a horrible person. And I think I'm only good at one night stands. Couldn't handle a relationship and don't even want one. Maybe because I feel trapped with this relationshit I'm having with myself. No escape as you all know. I never want to hurt anybody even though I'm definitely playing games with people.. There's also this guy who's really nice and always strikes up conversation and invites me to parties and stuff. And X who was a big influence in me becoming like this with men. I never want to put my hope and expectations on a specific guy so I have this habit of getting to know them for a while and finding out if I want anything from them. Then when it gets boring I give them enough crap so that at the end of the day they'll be almost relieved to get rid of me. How twisted is that. Can' get close with anyone. The guy I might like is in the military right now and will be for a long time. We haven't actually met in a long time but we might do that sometime when he's on the holidays. I just don't wanna fuck it up, although I know I will. I fail at everything really, like atm I feel like finals are going so badly. Probably won't get a place to study anywhere and fall down the rabbit hole. Cya there bitches! ;) Love you allways

 

 

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