MESS OF S: It's sick, it's me..

The point where I realize that everything that is blamed on the need for control, has actually taken control over me, is devastating. When the big plan of renewing myself and making everything better has blown up in my face leaving scars so deep and ugly that all I can do anymore is hide away. When it all hits me at once, all of it. I think and think, I'm alone, so I think. Surrounded by people.. Alone.

And it's not like I'm that sad or depressed all the time, I'm actually quite okay. I just feel so unsure of everything and kinda hollow. I'm living and moving forward day by day, I think I'll make it to better days, but you never know. I just don't really care so much about anything, like where I end up in a couple of years, but I'm here. Whatever that means.

Hah, I mean, does anyone really know what being here and existing is all about?

I know for a fact that perfectionism is one of my worst features and it's most likely never going away. How did I get this way?

Whatever I got out of my ED and being so hard on myself all the time, is definitely not control. This is not what I wanted and there's no going back. I think everybody has stuff they're bitter about, sometimes it's more obvious and sometimes you just gotta dig deep enough, but trust me it's there. That's what makes us HUMAN. We carry crudges over things that don't matter, we may never get over it if someone wronged us, doesn't matter if we get our revenge or not, and hurting others gives us pleasure, we hunt for fun. We're definitely unique. I don't have faith in us as a race.

Mostly because I'm a representer of it.

I sincerely hope that you guys who read my blog don't take my negative shit too seriously or as if it was in any way directed at you. I'm just sharing my twisted thoughts with you and unfortunately this is how I see the world around me. I wish you all nothing but happiness.