It's sick, it's me..

The point where I realize that everything that is blamed on the need for control, has actually taken control over me, is devastating. When the big plan of renewing myself and making everything better has blown up in my face leaving scars so deep and ugly that all I can do anymore is hide away. When it all hits me at once, all of it. I think and think, I'm alone, so I think. Surrounded by people.. Alone.

And it's not like I'm that sad or depressed all the time, I'm actually quite okay. I just feel so unsure of everything and kinda hollow. I'm living and moving forward day by day, I think I'll make it to better days, but you never know. I just don't really care so much about anything, like where I end up in a couple of years, but I'm here. Whatever that means.

Hah, I mean, does anyone really know what being here and existing is all about?

I know for a fact that perfectionism is one of my worst features and it's most likely never going away. How did I get this way? 

Whatever I got out of my ED and being so hard on myself all the time, is definitely not control. This is not what I wanted and there's no going back. I think everybody has stuff they're bitter about, sometimes it's more obvious and sometimes you just gotta dig deep enough, but trust me it's there. That's what makes us HUMAN. We carry crudges over things that don't matter, we may never get over it if someone wronged us, doesn't matter if we get our revenge or not, and hurting others gives us pleasure, we hunt for fun. We're definitely unique. I don't have faith in us as a race. 

Mostly because I'm a representer of it. 

I sincerely hope that you guys who read my blog don't take my negative shit too seriously or as if it was in any way directed at you. I'm just sharing my twisted thoughts with you and unfortunately this is how I see the world around me. I wish you all nothing but happiness.

How about that?

Lonely, secretly growing her thorns..

I hit 44Kgs today.

I never have before

With all my love

S

Waterweight- that bitch!

 

Is this really it? I've achieved my goal weight, and I feel absolutely nothing at all, besides being EVEN MORE obsessed over not gaining any weight.. I'm so ingredibly sick, just today I've binged and purged 3 times and dinner's yet to come. I must be getting my periods soon. Allthough I don't think I'm actually gonna get them anymore cause the last time I was at 45 I stopped getting them. I wouldn't mind. I need to get out of this house again, thank god I have work tomorrow but damn do I feel so empty for first of all reaching my goal without working for it but being a totall fuck-up, and second of all for not having anything else to reach for but keeping this up and it's driving me nuts. I'm at that point again where I hop on the scale about 3 times a day and to check every little difference between purging and drinking water and all that stuff.. I guess this is what life has to offer for me and I'm going to be battling myself until the end for something that isn't even real- perfection.

 

 

 

 

 

 Pretty pretty feet with all those veins sticking out..

Never satisfied

S

Give me ctrl

How far have I gone? I'm gone. What defines me nowadays is the mess I'm in, the mess I AM. But we all have our differences. Too bad I'm really the only ne to blame for this.. I wanna say that X ruined me but I probably made most of the bad stuff even worse revolving it around in my little mind. By the way I hear that he's told pretty much everyone in this little town that we had sex. For fuck's sake I thought that he was embarassed about that and we agreed we wouldn't tell anyone. I've seen him a couple of times since holidays began and we haven't said a word to each other but at the moment I think I'm as over him as I can ever be living here so close to him. I just have to make it through one more year of school and pass all of my exams and I'll be free. I just got the bill for fall's exams 

and I'm nervous allready. 

Anyway, I gotta tell you about friday cause it's the most drama I've witnessed in a long while. I was at a friend's house to celebrate my friend's birthday and when I got there at about seven o'clock, he was already shit-faced :D Well most of us moved on to another party not far from there and left him to sober up a bit. There was quite a lot of people but at about midnight, a guy that I don't especially like pretty much ran inside and gave me my ipod cause I'd forgotten it at the earlier place. Then he ran out. There was a lot of talk and everyone went outside, that's when we saw his car in the yard of the opposite house and the fence was completely broken. The car was in an awfully bad shape as well.  Apparently he'd been drunk and drifted around until the car went off the road and there were two passengers too. They turned the car around cause it'd gone roof down. Then the driver fled and we had to witness to the police.. thank god I didn't have to stay and we changed location once again. I'm just glad that no one got hurt cause I know for a fact that my friend who was also in the car had no idea that the drives was drunk. The other guy was way too drunk to notice 

and he wouldn't stop picking a fight so he left in the police car. 

Thankfully the guys who I rode with were sober and wise too. 

About my ED, I've staid between 46 and 48 and I'm happy with it. I still purge a couple of times a day. My mood has lifted a bit so that's god and I've had the energy to study too. My eating hasn't gone really bad but it could go better. I could always do everything better but that's just me, a perfectionist. Probably the worst part of me that never allows me to be completely happy or satisfied about anything. I'll manage. I just wish it wasn't like that, but you don't always get what you wish for, do you? 

We'll see about that

 

 

 

 

And obviously I'm losing

 

With all my love,

S

Across the riverbend

I'm tired.. These allergies are killing me :( I can't believe it that when I wanted to see X I never did but now that I don't want to ever have him near me again, I just saw him on friday.. I was just talking with his friend for a while so it was'nt bad at all but I just felt like.. well bad. If there's a guy or whoever upstairs, I just would really like to know if they're ever gonna cut me any slack, haha. I should already start studying for my finals but atm I'm working too and i don't have any energy. I'll have to pull myself together soon as possible. EDwise my life is quite easy, thank god. No one suspects anything and I have my routines that keep me together most of the time but nothing ever saves me from my thoughts..

I've lost my faith in relationships cause it just feels like trying to force two indviduals close to each other when at their hearts they're just insurmountably concentrated on theirselves so they basicly reject each other. Water and oil.

Why don't you leave me alone,

or say you were wrong.

'Cause I don't wanna hide

I need the tears inside to dry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 You make it look like I'm the crazy one here..

S