Satellites, Close Your Eyes

 

I can feel my heart beating, that must mean I'm alive.. I guess, but i'm completely oblivious of everything around me so that's kinda shady :/ I love being on holiday but at the same time I know that when the school starts I'm going to have to adjust once again.. It's just draining. I haven't taken much of anything for a while, drugs I mean, and actually I don't have aything to say about that either.. I'm thinking so hard but can't come up with anything at all, maybe cause I don't remember. I have no idea of what I did yesterday, not to mention any other day before that.. Guess my head doesn't want to waste any energy to remembering stuff. I'm starting to think that all my energy goes to maintaining myself somehow, but I wouldn't call myself a human. I just am here.. Wish I wasn't though. Once again someone I knew died around here and it's just so unfair that people like me who don't even want to live keep living and then some people get snatched just like that, from their sleep!!! It's a sick world. THERE IS NO GOD PEOPLE!! who the hell believes in that shitit's such a scam. We don't get eny more trouble than we can handle? Then why do so many people commit suicide?! Or is dying actually not too much for people to handle, or for their loved ones to handle? Happy fucking new year, that is gonna be at least as crappy as this one! Peace out, damn I'm pissed right now.... Anyways I love all of you and you know that cause I keep saying that every time post :D Well, for a person that doesn't hear that too often, I feel like I can't say it too much to you :)

 

 

 

 

 

You know, all I can make out of this year in my head is letting X finally out of my life..

As well as I know it was the right thing to do, it feels like a raw, open wound. And just like this, I'm crying.. No tears though but I am, believe me.

 

S

 

 

 

 



Almost Done With This Year

 

 Don't know whether to laugh or cry..

 

ly

 

S

But You're Just A Boy

Definitely getting my periods soon.. I'm all bloated and I bet you guys know enough about that shitty stuff.. :| I'm starting to get a bit worried because it's getting hard for me to purge? I know it's normal for the throat to get numb and trowing up gets harder but this is something else. There's blood almost every time and I have a weird feeling in my throat when I swallow.. Anyway I'm sorry but I don't have any pictures on this computer but I took a couple today on my cell, the h&m size 34 was too big for me and I look completely different in the mirrors at the mall. I'm not even sure how I feel about this whole thing, god I'm so confused!! I'm not skinny at all but everything around me changes? what the hell is that about. I'm seriously losing the insides of my head whatever that is.. The fog thing is taking over

 

 

 

 

 

Yours,

S

Some Of The Stuff You Say Is -

Who the hell am I?

Lunacy

Still at 50Kgs.. Tomorrow my parents are going to work so I don't have to eat anything the whole day, at least I don't have to keep anything in.. I drank two cups of coffee, half a pomelo, an apple, two very thin slices(I make them as this as possible cutting them with a knife) of rye bread and a mandarin. Before that I threw up dinner, of course.. Now I feel sooooo full I hate it but I'm hoping I'll fall asleep easier cause I'm quite warm now. Had an awesome marathon of pretty little liars and soon I'll be going to bed. God I wish there was someone I could take with me, a boyfriend, just a friend, whatever.. I just hate being alone all the time. Or I don't know, I'm actually too twisted to even know what I feel because as much as I hate being alone, I definitely enjoy it. I also love playing mind games with people. There's this guy who I think likes me, that's what he says anyway. I don't like him like that at all, not sure I even like him as a friend that much, we just talk on facebook, because for some reason I don't feel an urge to see him in person. Damn I sound mean, well he says I'm cruel but in a cool/ good way. What the hell does that mean?! How can he see anything good in me when I only show him all the bad stuff? I have to admit that I subcounciously? wrapped him around my finger. I really don't mean to sound this disgustingly arrogant but I don't know how to put it in any other way. Maybe that's just another god forsaken side of me.. I'm such a sick person, like I get this terrible satisfaction from playing with people. I don't know how else to be in contact with them, especially with guys. You've probably already got tired of my shit but this is my therapy and maybe some of you still like to read about this delusional world that I live in :) God I'm messed up, I have no idea of what I'm doing and the girl in the mirror can't seem to forgive me for anything that I do, because it's all wrong. I guess that's why I'm so lost. I don't know what's right for me to do anything so I don't feel like doing anything. That doesn't matter however cause I have to keep doing something trying to maintain at least a bit of sense in my head, in case there's anything left at all. Atm it doesn't feel like that. Damn it, I can't even figure out myself what I'm trying to say to you here :( My head is full of crap, fog actually. And no matter how much I keep blaming X, he's not the one who made me like this, at least not from the inside. I think I was born like this and just grew into it. X may have affected the way I treat people and how I see them, but something bad has happened to him too. I just know it and I CAN blame him for not letting anyone close to me anymore. This is definitely another side of me that keeps thinking and talking to you guys about him even though tha other side is trying so hard to forget. Few days ago I re-read all our facebook conversations and I'm not even sure how long that took me, I just got so sucked into it. Well, after that I deleted all of it. I don't even know how I feel about that, haha.. funny much..... Shit I really have to stop writing a novel here. Have it good everyone I love you guys! xx

 

That's what's left in the END, isn't it..

 

 

 

S

50.0

 Only gained about one pound during this christmas shit, something to be happy about :) Though my throat is pretty much torn to shreds due to all that purging i had to do :/ Now it's healing cause the last few days i didn't have the oppertunity to puke. I promised some pictures so there are a few below. Now I weigh 50Kgs sharp and my god do I wanna binge.. I'm just waiting for my parents to go back to work so I can have that magical binging day after all this restriction (or trying to restrict from food). My hunnies how are you doing haven't heard any more from you that you've heard from me :( I miss you lovely ladies<3 Well anyway my christmas time is shitty as always but no biggie I'm surviving. I've actually managed to do some planning for the future and don't feel so hopeless all the time. I just need to get the hell out of this place. Did I already tell you I'm not dancing with X anymore? Our deal is off cause he couldn't make it to the lessons. Thank god I found someone else to dance with and he's great! Funny and polite + nice looking :) Don't get me wrong I mean I might be a bit into him but no way I'm looking for anything at the moment so I'm just glad to have such a nice dancing partner. I'm really tired of school but somehow i keep pushing myself.. I can't wait for it to end. I still have to see X around for one period next year. Certainly not looking forward to that :D That asshole really broke my heart.. Well it was already broken but he shattered it to a million pieces. Now I'm just tired and cruel. But maybe I'll get another chance and change as soon as I get out of this shit hole. It's weird how optimistic I'm feeling right now, but wait for it, it'll pass. Englishrose I love you, sorry I couldn't answer you comment on my crappy phone so I'll just announce that like this :) always and forever, sis<3ow I'm off, have a good christmas time everybody xx

 

S

so it seems

TOMORROW I'LL FINALLY BE HOME FROM CENTRAL FINLAND AND I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU GUYS (WHO ARE STILL INTERESTED IN HOW I'M DOING) A PROPER POST :) NOW I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHY THIS IS ALL IN CAPITAL LETTERS BUT ANYWAY I JUST WANTED TO WISH YOU ALL A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND I'LL GET BACK TO YOU BEFORE NEW YEAR ;) LOVE YOU  <3  S