EDNOS no more.

I quit on 28.10.2016.

S

I haven't thrown up in over a month, it's over.

S

Fear her when she looks into the fire and smiles.

It makes me sad how stupid I was to trust my ex boyfriend with this blog as I've now lost this one safe haven and outlet that was separate from the world where in every moment I present myself with my known identity. 
Overall I'm doing alright, despite of some some of that familiar paranoia about gaining weight. I haven't thrown up since the 28th of last month, it's almost been a month now and I don't plan on going back to that habit. I simply couldn't imagine that being my life anymore. I guess I was always waiting for that wake up call that I can't keep going on like this and now that I got diagnosed with this condition, I've had it. Weirdly in a balance with all the bad, I'm more positive about my life than I probably ever was before.
In terms of the break-up, it became a lot messier that it had to but I guess that's really just descriptive of the relationship. Some days are better than others. I sleep a lot but the tiredness rarely goes away. 
For a while now I've kept having quite awful nightmares and waking up with scratch marks on my body. Even if I wake up and fall back to sleep, I can't escape the dream.
If you need me I'll be somewhere between thought, sleep, and always on the path of finding home. 



S

Elektro, Taipei

 

I'm starting to think this condition that I'm in might actually have a lot to offer. I simply don't have the ability to go back to my old, self-destructive habits. Tonight was maybe the first night I've ever gone to a club totally sober, had a good night all the way. Spent time with some completely random people which was nice and although there were more than a few attempts from different guys to get close to me, it just wasn't a possibility in my mind that anything would happen. I love dancing, so there I was on the podium most of the night just enjoying the atmosphere and spending some time with a friend. I'm now taking this time to create something new in myself and those guys at clubs have nothing to offer me. If anything, my relationship taught me my worth and I can't see myself going back to that meaningless bullshit now. I've grown. If I'd been drinking I could see how I really would have wanted to text him and I'd get all those mixed feelings coming back to the surface. Just walking the distance from where the cab dropped me off to home, I missed him. That feeling comes from somewhere much deeper than a drunken state, somewhere no one else has ever reached before. That's why I can just appreciate it in a way, and leave it alone. Good memories.

S

Into the fire

So today going to the hospital I thought whatever it is, I'll have a diagnosis today and then it'll be fixed. During the endoscopy I lied still like a corpse because what else was I going to do while they were shoving that tube through my throat into my stomach, it didn't feel good. It also doesn't feel good having all these things done to you and being passed around from hospital to hospital, not having a clue of what's happening around you or to you because everyone's speaking chinese. Alone. I've never been taking this much painkillers within this short a period of time and even though I hate taking them I understand I just really have to, this time. My rule has always been to not take them unless I'm basically immobilized by the pain, until that I can handle it. 

I have Gastroesophageal reflux disease. I felt as if the doctor's suggestion was basically just not to eat because I can't have anything fatty, fried, chocolate, acidic, spicy, tomato, tea, coffee, alcohol, juices or anything carbonated. Here that just leaves rice, great time to be in Asia, it's ridiculously difficult to eat healthy here in Taiwan. I really haven't been able to figure out what I'll be able to eat for the next two months, except for the prescription pills. Worst case scenario it'll have to be operated but we'll see, I honestly don't even care. Spending some time with these really awesome people living in the same student housing building made me feel a bit better and more relaxed, trying to joke about my condition and making the best out of a bad situation, until this girl sitting with us at the table almost knocked the air out of me by saying "It's for life, right?". 

So then, my dad called me to say him and my mom won't be coming to see me next week like they were supposed to because doctors found a tumor in him and he didn't want to tell me before my examination. He will have to undergo surgery but he didn't let me in on much else. I'd even had a premonition of that phone call, hearing that my dad was sick while being here in a foreign country. Obviously I just completely broke down after that with the tears I'd been holding back all day and then that. Of course my stomach has also been hurting ever since although I ate almost nothing today, had to fast all day for the endoscopy and I haven't had an appetite anyway since I can't really even feel hunger anymore. I'm in knots, still in shock. How can all of this happen at the same time. I was really looking forward to at least seeing my family since my relationship also just fell into pieces. 

I seriously hope all of you are doing better than me right now, everything that's happening hasn't even gotten through to me yet anyway, until that I'll be operating on autopilot just waiting for the aftershock because I really don't know what the fuck else I'm supposed to do. Maybe tomorrow when I wake up today was canceled. Otherwise this will easily constitute as the worst time of my life. It actually hurts to breathe, the sick feeling comes in waves.

I can catch the falling stars.
They make the darkness brighter
Even though they burn holes in my hands.

S

Day 10, meals: 7

I cry every day when I get tired of the pain gnawing at me and it just won't stop. I can't eat, I can barely get out of bed because I'm getting too weak, crawled up in a miserable lump on my bed feeling my heartbeat in every part of my body waiting for a relief. Tomorrow will be my 5th visit to the hospital to have an endoscopy and an ultrasound done for my stomach, it's most likely a stress derived ulcer. The only aspect of my life stressing me the fuck out having been my relationship.

So these last few days, feeling weaker than ever in my life really on edge and still stressed about the relationship, waiting for you to finally step up and do the work to fix things, make the effort.It just didn't happen, which not only insulted me emotionally but also intellectually. You haven't been there for me for anything else but more stress and bad feelings.

If I hadn't learned as much as I did from this relationship, I'd be wishing I'd never met you at all. Now, after having gone through all the hurt, disappointment and loneliness I felt towards the end, I feel indestructible, like nothing could really hurt me anymore. Whenever I feel even the slightest need to reach out to you I just take a look at the pictures of you with other girls and suddenly, I'm good.

I know I will miss being touched a lot, I have always missed that in my life. I haven't been touched by you in 2 months now and other than that I haven't had you in any other way either, really. That should make the separation easier. Time is the only thing all of us really have, you can never really own anything besides your time which is what makes it the most precious thing you can gift someone else. I realized my time was too valuable to waste on waiting for you to give me yours.

The worst thing is that I was well in the process of kicking the ED, high time, working out every day feeling better and stronger, more open even. Now all I'm able to do is lay in bed either in little or a lot of pain and it's starting to break me a little. I haven't given up on completing my exchange yet even though I've seriously considered it. 

Anyway, it's only my first failed relationship and I know I gave it my all so I can't be disappointed in myself which, I have to say, is something new haha. I don't know how long it will take me to heal because naive or not, I wanted to believe we could have been it. The thing is, I have no idea of how I'm supposed to start paying attention to other men when for so long, my world consisted of only one. Maybe it will come with time, I'm in no rush anyway. I have no operational patterns to fall back into though, since I've never experienced a breakup before but it was a long time coming so I guess I was somehow prepared. At the end when there's no real happiness left and it's a struggle after another, I guess I allowed all the ways you hurt me in the past to come crashing down on the relationship and break off whatever was left between us. I couldn't trust you to make the effort to figure out how to do right by me. I know I did a lot of things wrong too, and you met me in my mess, but I've noticed it can be one beautiful mess when I just open my eyes and breathe. I'm sorry that we couldn't make it work because I undoubtedly really loved you and even if right now I'm harboring some bitter emotions it won't last long, you know that about me. I'll have you as a part of my past that I don't regret but I have already deleted your pictures from my social media because that's how you prevent the next person you might care for from having to suffer from something so unnecessary. Please do delete the stuff related to me, I'd hate to be a reason for number 5 to feel as bad as I did. 

I needed you to protect me from some things to make me feel like you could be that safe place for me to heal but it didn't seem like you even cared at the end of the day. The upside is that all that insecurity with you has ended up only making me stronger and I realized I don't need to rely on anyone to heal, so I should thank you for not protecting me. You're right, the past is the past and I wasn't the right kind of girl for you for having asked you to try to make it less present for me. A whim of a p******* indeed, but it pained me to see how much you used to love your previous girlfriends.

It's easy to promise not to abandon someone if you're not going to be there for them in the first place, just hovering somewhere in the background and coming to get whatever you want whenever you want to. I wish all these little, everyday things didn't have the power of reminding me of how I was truly planning on a future with you.

You've ruined the word "princess" for me.
When I'm done here I'll continue on finding my place in the world although temporarily, this is the not a bad place to be at all.



I don't know about you, but I forgive you.

S

Ed, let me go. I have a legit boyfriend now