Kirkon vaikutus Suomeen keskiajalla

13 followers still? I can't believe it you are definitely a patient group of people :) gee I should really update my laptop to a new one because the keyes don't work too well anymore so don't freak out if my writing doesn't make any sense :D Yesterday was surpricingly good and then again today was absolutely terrible. The whole morning went to crying whenever I saw myself in the mirror. However I had to go to school because it's the exam week.. Lately I've been a bit more social and that has brought my mood up quite a lot. At home things are really unstable and I never really know when it's all gonna blow up, but at the moment I'm kinda hopeful that I'll make it through upper secondary school and get out of this place for good. 2nd year is almost over after all so it's not that long anymore. Whole April my weight was between 47 and 48Kgs, now it's between 46 and 47 again. For tesummer I want to be in shape and try to stay at this weight, but if I get really unhappy with myself losing weight is probably the only way to make it a little better. I'll also try to spend more time with people, seriously. 

It's been raining for two days now and it's actually a really good excuse to get some alone time and study, which I haven't been really succesfull at :D Anyway, I've been talking with my prom partner almost every day for a while now but I think I just wanna be friends. I don't think I'll ever be abla to be in a real relationship but at least atm I don't mind. X I don't ever even wanna hear anything about, he makes me sick. I don't hate him, I don't hate anybody, but thank god it's over. NEVER AGAIN. At least I really hope so. Falling for him again after everything that has happened would be the end of me for sure. 

Alcohol has made me nausious a couple of times in a row and that's just weird.. I mean I don't get a hangover but it doesn't feel good. And good news is that I haven't taken any drugs for a while or even smoked, but binged and purged though.. I always do before I get my period and now I'm on them. But anyway my lovelies, I HAVE to get coffee and get some work done so I hope you all are doing well and I love you :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 S

LOSING MY FUCKING MIND!!!!!

At least what ever is left of it... FML I just want to jump off the roof to make this all better.. So why won't I?? Why the hell can't I even do that?! I'm probably the most miserably pathetic human being to ever have walked on earth. I don't deserve to live.

What do you see in those yellow eyes

I'm alone on a friday night. Is there anything worse? I can't deal with people I just want to go.. I deleted most numbers from my phone and some fb friends. Things aren't going great with my mom either and for some reason almost everything she says irritates me. Everything irritates me and drives me off the fucking wall! I don't think there's any solution to this so what's gonna happen to me? I just want to sleep forever..

S

I can feel my mind leaving but my heart still keeps beating

After finishing my exam at school, which went really bad... I decided to do all kinds of psychiatric disorder tests online just to clarify everything a bit. I thought that maybe if I rationalize this it'll be even just a little easier on me. Anyway according to the informal diagnosis I have at least all of these: GAD as in generalized anxiety disorder, panick attacks, very severe depression(even though I thought I wouldn't score very high?), ED- wow what a revelation, compassion fatigue, BPD as in borderline personality disorder and a moderate problem with drugs. It's not the same as being diagnosed by a doctor but judging by how high I scored the results can hardly be mistakes. Yesterday I was so desperate about not being prepared for the exam today and I cut again.. I talked with somebody who's pretty messed up himself so that made things a bit easier but it also made me realize how obvious the borderline personality disorder actually is in me.. EnglishRose thanks for shedding light on the matter I wouldn't have come up with that myself. The guy I talked to suggested that I should see a psychiatrist but that's always been a line I haven't wanted to cross. The one guestion that has clouded my mind the whole day is why do some people get sick and others don't? Who decedes who deserves what? I mean if I've done something bad as a kid, I've already suffered almost 6 years for it.. When will it be enough? Never. All I gotta say is that I feel wrong. It's been a long day, and it's been a long 6 years.. I still think about him almost every day. I fucking hate it! And every time I think it's getting better, he comes in and fucks me up.. I need to get away from here to survive, but there's no place to go. And now that I think about it, why would it be better anywhere else when I'm the problem? hahah I'm just a worthless piece of shit without a happy ending..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With love

 

S

 

 

 

 

 

And god knows it's the only way to feel now

Happiness in intlligent people is the rarest thing I know
-Ernest Hemingway

xx

S

Love until we bleed

 

 

 

You were heavy on my heart and you're always in my head.. I'm such a mess but you aready know that. I'm going nowhere even though I feel like I'm running as fast as I can. The best way to control my life has taken over. I can't control this anymore and I guess I haven't been able to do that for quite a long time, I just didn't want to admit that. I hate it when people say that something isn't fair; I just wish I knew why.. For what reason? What exactly did I do that is catching up on me now like this. Guess bad karma has just been building up and takes it out on me now but this is hard and I don't think I'm strong enough. I actually bursted into tears  at a meeting with our school guidance councellor? She asked if I had someone to talk to. I said yes. no.. What happened to me and couldn't this be enough already? I'm so tired. I don't feel anything, and it's like walls are closing in on me. This is all just a game where broken people make others suffer and then they suffer more themselves until the game ends. I wanna end it now, I wanna get off, or crushed under. I don't care, I'm looking for a way out.
xx

S

who's gonna save me now

I haven't opened my laptop for since I last posted and I feel like I haven't lived at all. Like I didn't even exist or like I was floating somewhere out of my body. I'm actually quite happy with my weight atm but staying at 46 is not easy by any means.. I wish I'd be able to keep tighter connections with the poeple I love and know on the internet but somehow sharing my private hell just takes a tol on me even though it's one kind of therapy at the same time. Sooo things got a bit intense between me and X at prom afterparty but I realized that I've gotten over him the best I probably ever could. He was dancing with some other girls too and I just gave him the thumbs up and to be honest he didn't seem too happy about that :D he actualy asked me why I'd removed him from my facebook friends, he'd noticed. I couldn't really come up with a good answer and some guys were following me around when I tried to be alone with him so that didn't really work out. I wrote sent him a message on facebook explaining him that it was easier for me to get over him that way and now everything cool between us from my point of view. Guess what, he didn't answer. Well, what do I care. Besides I've got someone else to play around with. I'm gonna get anxious about them getting too close any moment now so I'm gonna just shut them out like I always do.. I'm losing count on how many people I've done that to :/ I'm incapable of loving anyone I think. 

A weird thing that's happening to me is I'm losing my memory? I can't remember what I did yesterday (properly anyway) talk about last week.  I could as well have been to Aruba for what I know...  My mom almost caught me but the weird thing is that because she was that drunk, she was actually apologizing to me the next morning?! What the hell is going on.. Well anyway I'm really glad things turned out like this because being exposed like that would've made my life ten times harder for the time before I go to study somewhere else. I would've probably killed myself at that point. It would be the time to do so anyways. I see I'm writing a novel here and nobody's probably reading my blog anymore but that's my fault for not posting regularly.. English Rose, TinyRose, I love you guys thanks for the suport you've given me, forgive me for not being there for you as much as I should have and I hope you're doing well <3 

 

With love,

S