I can feel my mind leaving but my heart still keeps beating

After finishing my exam at school, which went really bad... I decided to do all kinds of psychiatric disorder tests online just to clarify everything a bit. I thought that maybe if I rationalize this it'll be even just a little easier on me. Anyway according to the informal diagnosis I have at least all of these: GAD as in generalized anxiety disorder, panick attacks, very severe depression(even though I thought I wouldn't score very high?), ED- wow what a revelation, compassion fatigue, BPD as in borderline personality disorder and a moderate problem with drugs. It's not the same as being diagnosed by a doctor but judging by how high I scored the results can hardly be mistakes. Yesterday I was so desperate about not being prepared for the exam today and I cut again.. I talked with somebody who's pretty messed up himself so that made things a bit easier but it also made me realize how obvious the borderline personality disorder actually is in me.. EnglishRose thanks for shedding light on the matter I wouldn't have come up with that myself. The guy I talked to suggested that I should see a psychiatrist but that's always been a line I haven't wanted to cross. The one guestion that has clouded my mind the whole day is why do some people get sick and others don't? Who decedes who deserves what? I mean if I've done something bad as a kid, I've already suffered almost 6 years for it.. When will it be enough? Never. All I gotta say is that I feel wrong. It's been a long day, and it's been a long 6 years.. I still think about him almost every day. I fucking hate it! And every time I think it's getting better, he comes in and fucks me up.. I need to get away from here to survive, but there's no place to go. And now that I think about it, why would it be better anywhere else when I'm the problem? hahah I'm just a worthless piece of shit without a happy ending..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With love

 

S