Why do I always get what I want?

If I tried to outline the different degrees of sadness that correlate with different types of people the extremes would probably be these; someone who on a bad day falls over into a puddle on their way home to warmth and safety versus someone who lives in a restricted area dominated by their private pool full of darkness. As we all know when the air gets cold the water feels warmer and can become quite enticing. No one will pull you out but they may throw stones at you to make you sink faster. 

S

Two spaced

I'm hovering between these two spaces where I want to talk to him versus the one where I'm fine not talking to him. I have to try to control it even if that ruins things. I can't be the one who needs the other person more than they need me. All of this stresses me out to the level where my mind starts pushing him further and further away and he told me he could feel it. However, there's nothing I can really do about it, we'll have to see how this pans out. If that connection between us was to break now I would break a little more. 

 

S

Hi my name is

I was talking to him last night but my head was going through one of those memory emptying phases and at some point I even told him I felt like I was talking to a stranger. He said he wouldn't mind starting over from the beginning. Then he introduced himself and chose the perfect words to make me smile. It felt like I hadn't smiled for ages. I don't know why but the second the corners of my mouth turned upwards I could feel my head relax. I can't help slightly panicking whenever I feel my memories slipping away from me and it happens faster and faster the harder I try holding on to them. I know I haven't completely lost any of it but I can't access it because it disappears into the spiral of a whirlwind and I feel even less like myself.  

S

Passionately bitchy to passionately charming

Sadly I'm starting to doubt the Paris thing. Staying with him is not about saving money and I'm itching to book a hotel. Nothing bad has happened but I don't want to be more attached than him. My problem is that I barely get attached to anything at all because I don't care, but if I care about someone then I would do anything for them and it becomes a whole other problem because I fight my feelings until the bitter end. He sometimes kinda blows me off and doesn't reply to my messages as fast as I would like him to but it shouldn't be a problem because "when he has the time" he talks so much I can barely get a word in and he's so sweet. Unfortunately it doesn't take away the negative feelings I've had. This whole thing we have going on is so illogical since we've only met once but the connection we had was insane. It just makes me feel like an idiot when he doesn't reply right away because I'm used to surrounding myself with people who give me what I want when I want it. The ones who don't are disposable except for him because now I fucking care.

    S