Ipswich

Ok so right now I'm sitting at home while my friends are out having fun. I couldn't go because that guy from wednesday night is with them and I still feel a bit shaky and definitely uncomfortable about the whole thing. It's just awesome he gets to have fun and it's like I'm being punished. At least he leaves sometime this weekend. Where's my place in this world? These aren't my people after all.

S

I also got a tattoo yesterday

I went out with my guy friends last night and one of the exchange students whom I know had a crush on me because he left a note and a rose at my door (which I thought was kinda sweet but creepy) I'm not one for romance. Anyway when we got to the bar he was really drunk already and it makes me feel really uncomfortable when men who are seriously drunk come on to me. I tried my best to avoid him but he wasn't having any of it and when I tried to sneak away to go home he followed me and he was grabbing on to me and wouldn't let go of me. I felt a panic attack coming when I couldn't escape him and only after a while other people showed up and got him off of me. The same thing has happened to me before so it was extremely oppressive. It's not surprising to me how women get raped in those kinds of circumstances because for a while there was absolutely no one around. I don't think it was going towards that though. When I got home he was st my door ringing the doorbell and it was so loud and I had to get some sleep I went to tell him to cut it out and he forced his way in. I couldn't push him out with all my strength so I had to get out myself and I really struggled to get back inside past him because the corridor is really narrow. I was out there yelling at him to go away and leave me alone and no one even opened their door to see what was going on. I was alone in that situation again. I was finally able to lock him out and after a while the doorbell rang again but I wasn't going to go open the door again. I got a text that it was his roommate who just wanted to check on me. I feel like I don't want to be single even though I'm not looking for a relationship, I haven't felt anything for anyone in a long time and I'm not interested in any of that I just want to have that barrier to keep everyone away. 

S

Passé composé

Right now I feel fairly comfortable with things happening outside of my apartment: friends, school.. But when I'm in here alone I realize how completely stuck I am, scared to death to make any kind of a move. In a way I'm tired of being single. Don't get me wrong I'm still a horrible person and not in any way ready to always consider someone else's feelings and I don't think I could be comfortable spending a lot of time with the same person, or it would at least have to be my goddamn soul mate or some shit like that. I just want to have that barrier "Sorry, I have a boyfriend." It's sickening but I kinda feel like I can't say no to guys because basically I'm available. In the last two weeks four guys have kissed me, none of whom I really like. I just didn't know how to say no. I feel like I'm so far below any decent person that it doesn't even matter if I'm used. It doesn't feel like anything anyway. I've only gotten feelings for one guy in a LONG time and he lives in France, you know the guy I told you about earlier. At least I get to see him again and we can determine if what we falt instantly back then is valid or not. I hope it is because if I lose him too I don't know what'll happen to me. I haven't even wanted to think about that. but I mean I'd probably survive it, I'm like a cockroach, god knows I'd probably survive an atomic bomb just to continue living my miserable, pathetic life. 

 

 

Yours,

S

But what's going to heal my soul?

Staring at the screen thinking about what to say makes me cry. It's not like I feel like I have to write something to keep regularly venting my pathetic problems to some really lovely people who I don't know, but I want to write something because there has to be a way to get some of these thoughts out of my head. It's so fucked up that I forget the reasons why I'm upset so I can't assess whether it's getting better or not but I can't shake the bad feeling. 

Could I breathe please one last time before I curl up and die, my world is losing light.

S

Where do I go from here?

Hmmm. It sounds obnoxious but I definitely became the person who's used to getting what they want. Too bad I'm terrible at making important decisions and way too destroyed to believe there's love out there for me. I feel awful, even physically. 
I used to have someone to talk to every day.

 

 

 

 A very small part of me is telling me I need a hug.

S

And it does hurt

 S