I've puked what seems like a hundred times already and it's 4.30pm.. I don't think I can do this anymore.. I wanna cry but no tears come out. I wanna scream but I make no sound and I don't think anyone'll ever hear me. Now I gotta go work out and die a bit more inside.. Just wondering how that's even possible when there doesn't seem to be anything left at all. I feel pressure, like the whole universe is squeezing me but still I won't disappear, so why won't someone just come and kill me and get it over with? There's nothing for me here. Even if there was someone to love me it would be hell to know I can't love.. There's just not enough human left in me for that sort of thing. I hate that I'm punishing myself with eating rather than starving myself, what the hell is my problem? Can't I do anything right? After eating all kinds of shit I weigh 49.1Kgs..
I could have just done that so why didn't I? Why do I have to be such a worthless idiot that's not how my parents raised me.. Not that I have so much respect towards them but anyway, their kid is a loser..
God I feel terrible! I hurt all over, I've an awful headache, I'm so cold and not to mention, whining over nothing. I deserve this. The salad I ate to fill me up keeps coming up and subcounsciously my empty eyes are searching for something to eat.. I could probably go weeks without eating just burning al this fat off my body it's ridiculous but I don't have any control when it comes to food I'm so pathetic. I don't know what to do! I'm so lost but not enough to not know I'm here.. This sucks. I'm so ugly too there's no words for it. Makes me wanna crack all the mirrors here.. It's getting really close to prom and that basically means I can't cut AT ALL before that and I'm just hoping these previous cuts will heal enough in time :s How do I stop eating... I probably can't even get into my dress anymore but I'm not good enough to wear it anyways I'd better just call the whole thing off and keep my ugly ass indoors where no one can see me.
Sincerely,
S
I'm so sorry sweetheart. I remember my prom two years ago, I was so worried about the sleevless dress I would be wearing because of the scars and cuts. I was so freaked out because I didn't want everyone to see, and I didn't think I could stop cutting long enough to heal up and look normal. I put makeup over my scars, but that doesn't work very well. Make up on your arms look kind of funny. But I figured it was the next best thing.
ReplyDeleteI hope you realize soon how very thin you are. I know that you don't believe it, but this disorder will make you beleive that you are never thin even wheny you become nothing but bones.
Please stop purging to much. You'll never feel better until you start taking better care of yourself.
I love you <3 Hang in there
I have no idea why i can't just put the food down instead of binging.. and purging. I really gotta stop cutting it's only about a week till prom so I should be able to do that :) you're right I don't feel thin at all and the damn scale hates me.. I hate me. How are you doing ? I don' know if I've missed your posts or what but I'm just so messed up.. I hope you're good<3 love you
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