Useless, pointless, me

Waiting for death isn't nice. Especially when you have no idea of when it's coming. No signs of relief. I'm tired and drowning in my thoughts and I need blog-theraphy. Hope my english isn't too rusty to understand but I'm doing my best. Today was okay, like everyday, cause somehow everything keeps going and I've been so comfortably numb for a long time. Then, sudden anxiety, and I just wanna let go of it all.. I don't want this. I'm really confused and I never do enough. I should be studying right now but I can't concentrate and feel like an absolute loser, I should somehow be saving the world and consume less, be less selfish. I should be helping all the people who aren't doing as well as I am in life, I should be thinking about my future and making plans more efficiently, I need to get my driving licence because I just want to be done with that. Every time I go to a driving lesson I should be better and I'm not. Every time I look into the mirror it's all the same and it doesn't matter. Life sucks. How does everyone cope with not being good enough, or do they even feel it? Why am I wrong?

S

A Bubble Made For One

Jesus.. Well hell I'm more like a buddhist now, not officially yet though, but trust me I'm so going to need the meditation to sort my head out. And even if that doesn't happen I might not explode on the people around me so much.. I really like the fact that Buddhism is actually not really a religion :) Anyway, I've been really caught up with EVERYTHING. This has been everything but a holiday for me and frankly I'm just waiting for school to start cause I wanna be done with it as fast as possible. I wanna be done with all of this, this crappy little town and these people. Me being the worst of all, don't get me wrong. I'm not sure how it's going to effect me seeing X again every day, for the first period, after that he goes back to the other school. I just hope that him being around doesn't mess up my exams even the tiniest little bit. I have so mych shit to do and I can't handle it all I just want to give up, but I'm hanging in there somehow. My parents won't stop talking about how skinny I am and it's just irritating. It's weird how all my diseases have grown into me so strongly that they've eaten up everything else. I refuse to think that there's anything abnormal about me and what I'm doing isn't normal. It's a routine and even though I know, deep deep down, that I'm not okay, I hate it when other people think it's okay to comment on the way I live or what I'm doing wrong. I feed on the negative stuff that comes up to me cause inside, there's nothing positive left. No place for the good stuff to go, so it bounces off me. I live in a bubble, and it's made for

 one. 

 

S

p.s. So sorry for neglecting you guys <3