Leaving me behind

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I really have no idea what to say.

 S

101, 44,2, 18

I've written a hundred posts. I'm completely clueless and actually terrified what comes to my "future", if there in fact is anything at all. I'm so wrapped up in this sickening condition that I've lost most of the real me. Just being around people makes me really anxious and I don't let anyone get close to me. Nobody knows me. I want to feel safe with someone but I always get caught up at that point where I'd have to let them near me. Losing weight only gives me some kind of satisfaction and ease, but it doesn't really make me feel better. It doesn't make me feel good about the way I look. This is NOT beauty. 

All the weight I lose feeds the monster within. I still have that survival instinct, 

but I'm just really tired. Perfectionism is eating me alive. 

Tomorrow I'm turning 18. 

Can't believe I made it this far. 

 

 

 

 

Yours,

S

 

No relief

Fuck me. All I can do is binge and purge.. I'd probably be getting my period if that was possible cause this always happened before getting my period. I felt so sick today I actually just went to bed but couldn't sleep. My dad's drinking again tonight and I can't believe how stupid that makes him. I hate this place! I need to get away 

I'm no sure at all how I'm gonna make it through one more year.. 

How is it possible that I don't hate X after all he's done to me? I keep seeing him around and that just sucks. Apparently he's told everyone we had sex, I mean, what the fuck? He said "let's not tell anyone". That made me feel worthless as shit and my first thought was obviously that he was embarassed of doing it with me. Then after all this time I find out that a lot of people know about that and that he's told them. What the fuck? Now it just makes me feel cheap. I hate him. I wish I did anyway..  

Don't even have that much strenght in me to hate him, pathetic. 

The number on the scale was 44.1. So what? It doesn't make me happy it's just a fucking illusion. It makes me even more wacky trying to stay there and I'm so desperate that's all I can think about anymore and I keep losing weight unintentionally. The real question is, 

how long can I keep doing this?

 

 

 

 

 I need it, I crave it, I want it so bad..

 

 

 

 

I just feel so bad..

I want to live again.

But I guess I'm just not made for that.

This is only going to end when I'm no longer able to change myself for the better.

It will end when I die.

S