I'll be stading here

Where am I going? I know we all try to get somewhere in our lives as fast as possible. We have to be something. Aren't we something already? What's the point of rushing forward when time goes so fast anyway, It's running out, through our fingers like sand.. I wanna stop here. I want to get off. I'm finding it so hard to find the point of doing anything. My allergies hit me too all of a sudden and they make me so tired.. Foodwise today has been a lot better than yesterday, which I'm not going to talk about so I don't get any more depressed and frustrated. You can imagine anyway. Today I weigh 46.9 and that's fine with me. Yesterday I actually saw that number there but I blew it. My number. 45... Right now I just want to stay like this but I want to live! I don't want to just stand here isolated and watch time go by and lose every opportunity I could just grab if I had the courage. Problem is, I don't know how living should be like, feel like. I don't feel the important things anymore, you know, the little things that make people happy. I've lost it. Oh and my mom apparently has a problem with me again since I hear her complaining about me to my dad. She can never talk to me if she's not happy about something, she wants my dad to do it. I don't like my dad. I don't really like my mom either. I don't like anyone, the least of all myself.

My love to you xx

 

 

 

 

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Kirkon vaikutus Suomeen keskiajalla

13 followers still? I can't believe it you are definitely a patient group of people :) gee I should really update my laptop to a new one because the keyes don't work too well anymore so don't freak out if my writing doesn't make any sense :D Yesterday was surpricingly good and then again today was absolutely terrible. The whole morning went to crying whenever I saw myself in the mirror. However I had to go to school because it's the exam week.. Lately I've been a bit more social and that has brought my mood up quite a lot. At home things are really unstable and I never really know when it's all gonna blow up, but at the moment I'm kinda hopeful that I'll make it through upper secondary school and get out of this place for good. 2nd year is almost over after all so it's not that long anymore. Whole April my weight was between 47 and 48Kgs, now it's between 46 and 47 again. For tesummer I want to be in shape and try to stay at this weight, but if I get really unhappy with myself losing weight is probably the only way to make it a little better. I'll also try to spend more time with people, seriously. 

It's been raining for two days now and it's actually a really good excuse to get some alone time and study, which I haven't been really succesfull at :D Anyway, I've been talking with my prom partner almost every day for a while now but I think I just wanna be friends. I don't think I'll ever be abla to be in a real relationship but at least atm I don't mind. X I don't ever even wanna hear anything about, he makes me sick. I don't hate him, I don't hate anybody, but thank god it's over. NEVER AGAIN. At least I really hope so. Falling for him again after everything that has happened would be the end of me for sure. 

Alcohol has made me nausious a couple of times in a row and that's just weird.. I mean I don't get a hangover but it doesn't feel good. And good news is that I haven't taken any drugs for a while or even smoked, but binged and purged though.. I always do before I get my period and now I'm on them. But anyway my lovelies, I HAVE to get coffee and get some work done so I hope you all are doing well and I love you :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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