makin mommy proud

2 guys in one night, a new low?

S

Tripped me

So I fell right back into that vicious circle. This is like the fourth time that I know I'm going down fast. I feel all the symptoms coming back one by one; always cold, shaky hands, the corner of my mouth cracking open, constant headache, dark under eyes..
I'm just compromising with the devil to survive because I don't think I'm ready to give up even though I'm not really strong enough to fight either. 

S

Bombardment

You won't let your phone out of sight.
Firstly because you're expecting to hear from them.
Secondly because you're hoping to hear from them.
Then you get worried.
And more worried.
Nothing.

You're accepting it but you're not yet sure what you're accepting. Just not hearing from them, it's bad enough.

Coming Down

The shell that I wore, it wasn’t for fun.
It wasn’t to make you stick around.
It was for survival, it was what I’ve learnt,
It was for the sun.

You said you think I’d might be the one.
I'll pick blossoms and make you a crown.
You can’t catch what’s coming down.
Our love has grown; our love has flown.

I can catch the falling stars.
They make the darkness brighter
Even though they burn holes in my hands.
I can dive into the water, so deep, I can’t breathe;
'Cause, there, I feel things you won't understand.





Don't know if you guys are still there but I'm still here.

S

yes, bigger

When I was in Paris it was perfect except for one thing. He said I look a bit bigger than the first time we met. I actually really liked my body back then, now I'm ok with it and just trying to maintain some sort of a balance. He did say that he prefers me like this but what he doesn't understand is that he could give me all the compliments in the world and yet when I close my eyes I see the word BIGGER. And it hurts. Is that what you see when you look at me?
I'm maybe 1-3kg heavier now than I was back then but does it show that much. I wasn't even stressing about it before the trip I thought I was fine. Sometimes he doesn't mean exactly what he says because of the language barrier but there was no misinterpretation here.
I would never say that unless my partner was getting so disgustingly fat that they didn't turn me on anymore which just makes me think.. He doesn't understand the reaction this evokes in me. I'm satring to notice the signs of losing control because the discrepancy of reality and what I see is growing bigger. The more weight I lose the fatter I feel. I can't fight this anymore, I don't want to do this again. 
This is not like we're talking facts. I don't think any woman woud appreciate being told they look bigger but for me it's almost larger than life. It's not rational in any way. Just don't hurt me.

I don't think I'll ever understand why he felt the need to point it out.

Hope you guys are doing well I'm sorry for the neglection but I think you can understand me coming here when I'm not ok and not wanting to be reminded of that when I'm somewhat ok.

yours,
S

wtf

Google+ deleted all of my personal pics from blogger.