LOSING MY FUCKING MIND!!!!!

At least what ever is left of it... FML I just want to jump off the roof to make this all better.. So why won't I?? Why the hell can't I even do that?! I'm probably the most miserably pathetic human being to ever have walked on earth. I don't deserve to live.

What do you see in those yellow eyes

I'm alone on a friday night. Is there anything worse? I can't deal with people I just want to go.. I deleted most numbers from my phone and some fb friends. Things aren't going great with my mom either and for some reason almost everything she says irritates me. Everything irritates me and drives me off the fucking wall! I don't think there's any solution to this so what's gonna happen to me? I just want to sleep forever..

S

I can feel my mind leaving but my heart still keeps beating

After finishing my exam at school, which went really bad... I decided to do all kinds of psychiatric disorder tests online just to clarify everything a bit. I thought that maybe if I rationalize this it'll be even just a little easier on me. Anyway according to the informal diagnosis I have at least all of these: GAD as in generalized anxiety disorder, panick attacks, very severe depression(even though I thought I wouldn't score very high?), ED- wow what a revelation, compassion fatigue, BPD as in borderline personality disorder and a moderate problem with drugs. It's not the same as being diagnosed by a doctor but judging by how high I scored the results can hardly be mistakes. Yesterday I was so desperate about not being prepared for the exam today and I cut again.. I talked with somebody who's pretty messed up himself so that made things a bit easier but it also made me realize how obvious the borderline personality disorder actually is in me.. EnglishRose thanks for shedding light on the matter I wouldn't have come up with that myself. The guy I talked to suggested that I should see a psychiatrist but that's always been a line I haven't wanted to cross. The one guestion that has clouded my mind the whole day is why do some people get sick and others don't? Who decedes who deserves what? I mean if I've done something bad as a kid, I've already suffered almost 6 years for it.. When will it be enough? Never. All I gotta say is that I feel wrong. It's been a long day, and it's been a long 6 years.. I still think about him almost every day. I fucking hate it! And every time I think it's getting better, he comes in and fucks me up.. I need to get away from here to survive, but there's no place to go. And now that I think about it, why would it be better anywhere else when I'm the problem? hahah I'm just a worthless piece of shit without a happy ending..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With love

 

S

 

 

 

 

 

And god knows it's the only way to feel now

Happiness in intlligent people is the rarest thing I know
-Ernest Hemingway

xx

S