Love until we bleed

 

 

 

You were heavy on my heart and you're always in my head.. I'm such a mess but you aready know that. I'm going nowhere even though I feel like I'm running as fast as I can. The best way to control my life has taken over. I can't control this anymore and I guess I haven't been able to do that for quite a long time, I just didn't want to admit that. I hate it when people say that something isn't fair; I just wish I knew why.. For what reason? What exactly did I do that is catching up on me now like this. Guess bad karma has just been building up and takes it out on me now but this is hard and I don't think I'm strong enough. I actually bursted into tears  at a meeting with our school guidance councellor? She asked if I had someone to talk to. I said yes. no.. What happened to me and couldn't this be enough already? I'm so tired. I don't feel anything, and it's like walls are closing in on me. This is all just a game where broken people make others suffer and then they suffer more themselves until the game ends. I wanna end it now, I wanna get off, or crushed under. I don't care, I'm looking for a way out.
xx

S

who's gonna save me now

I haven't opened my laptop for since I last posted and I feel like I haven't lived at all. Like I didn't even exist or like I was floating somewhere out of my body. I'm actually quite happy with my weight atm but staying at 46 is not easy by any means.. I wish I'd be able to keep tighter connections with the poeple I love and know on the internet but somehow sharing my private hell just takes a tol on me even though it's one kind of therapy at the same time. Sooo things got a bit intense between me and X at prom afterparty but I realized that I've gotten over him the best I probably ever could. He was dancing with some other girls too and I just gave him the thumbs up and to be honest he didn't seem too happy about that :D he actualy asked me why I'd removed him from my facebook friends, he'd noticed. I couldn't really come up with a good answer and some guys were following me around when I tried to be alone with him so that didn't really work out. I wrote sent him a message on facebook explaining him that it was easier for me to get over him that way and now everything cool between us from my point of view. Guess what, he didn't answer. Well, what do I care. Besides I've got someone else to play around with. I'm gonna get anxious about them getting too close any moment now so I'm gonna just shut them out like I always do.. I'm losing count on how many people I've done that to :/ I'm incapable of loving anyone I think. 

A weird thing that's happening to me is I'm losing my memory? I can't remember what I did yesterday (properly anyway) talk about last week.  I could as well have been to Aruba for what I know...  My mom almost caught me but the weird thing is that because she was that drunk, she was actually apologizing to me the next morning?! What the hell is going on.. Well anyway I'm really glad things turned out like this because being exposed like that would've made my life ten times harder for the time before I go to study somewhere else. I would've probably killed myself at that point. It would be the time to do so anyways. I see I'm writing a novel here and nobody's probably reading my blog anymore but that's my fault for not posting regularly.. English Rose, TinyRose, I love you guys thanks for the suport you've given me, forgive me for not being there for you as much as I should have and I hope you're doing well <3 

 

With love,

S